God is great!
Last week was Bible Study which I love. Tessa is also doing the Bible Study which I am thrilled about, so I spent most of my day thinking of her since I knew she was nervous about it. We got there a little early and got seats next to each other. We always start in our small groups and then head to the sanctuary for the video. We are doing another Angela Thomas study who I absolutely love. She is so transparent in what she has gone through and that lady knows heart ache, let me tell you. The small group this year only has two people from my last two studies so I knew it was going to take some time to get to know people. The homework this week really touched me. It was about being transparent, not being fake, and allowing Godly women into your life to help you through the good and bad times. It talked about God being our comforter, and it talked about how God uses us the most when we are broken hearted. Through the grace God shows those of us in sorrow, others are able to see His love.
I had so many insightful things I wanted to share. I wanted the two women that have been with me through my toughest time to see that I have grown in strength and faith. Unfortunately when it came to me, I fell apart. I was tripping over my words, I felt flustered and was holding back tears while sharing my situation. I gave everyone a brief description on my situation and tried to explain what God showed me through the week of study. As always someone raised their hand and I knew just what was about to go down. The lady then shared how she had had cancer and prayed to God to heal her and it worked, Praise Jesus for that. She then went on to tell me that her Daughter was told she had stage 3 cervical cancer and was going into the hospital to get it cleaned out when the doctor came in her mom asked the doctors if she could pray for her first. So she prayed and prayed and prayed and 20 days later not only was the cancer part better she was Pregnant. What an amazing testament to God’s healing and Faith. I sat there just looking at her and told her how happy I was for her and her family. The week prior Christina, our group leader, told us she did not want us to be fake so I proceeded to say that I needed to be honest with them. I told the lady that her testament was amazing but I have heard 1,000,000 stories of God healing others and sometimes it gets a little much. I told her that I too have people praying for me, people that lay their hands on me and beg God for healing but I have yet to be healed, and that is hard to swallow at times. She seemed taken aback which I expected so I did apologize and said that wasn’t trying to take away anything about how God had healed her and her daughter but I have heard it before. She then began to almost list off all these things her daughter did before God healed her, as if I did ABCDE then God would reward me. I do not believe that. I do believe that God wants something more from me, my attention. But I in no way believe that God is a vending machine, where you put in a perfect combination and out pops a baby. So the talking ended there. Christina did a great job facilitating the situation. We all prayed together and then she handed out cards to write our prayer request down. We are in a room with another group that sits fairly close to us, so as our group sat in silence writing our prayers down, a sweet quiet voice said, “I have been trying for 5 ½ years to have a baby.” I looked up and made eye contact with Christina, she then said, “did you hear that”, I answered with a quick yes. She told me I would be talking with her after we were done and in my head I was like “um, no I won’t be.” So I got up and got my stuff together and was concerned that Tessa felt comfortable and headed towards the sanctuary. Christina asked if I had spoke with her and I looked down and said no and continued walking. As I was about to sit Christina called my name and said to come with her. I had Tessa find a seat and I followed her. In my heart I was thinking, “let this go Christina”. As I walked out, there she was…Sarah. Christina began to share with us both our brief stories and I began to weep, Sarah took me in her arms and we both cried(totally a TLC moment). She let go and said everything I have needed someone to say to me for years. She began to share all the same feeling I have. She said that she knew how bad it hurt, she knew how hard it is to get out of bed some days. We both stood there crying as she kept sharing how painful infertility is. One phrase that she repeated 4 times was this, “God never puts a desire in our heart that he is unwilling to fulfill.” What an amazing statement that I so needed to hear. She told me I had made it through the toughest years…years 1-3. She did say that it comes in waves fro then on out. Some days you do great and others you have complete breakdowns. She would then share a little more, and then we would cry and hug again. She gave me her Phone number and full name for of course, FACEBOOK! She told me I could call at 3am, because she too knows what it feels like to be up at that hour wishing she had a baby to comfort. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to look into someone’s eyes that knew exactly how I felt. Thank you God for providing me with that. God most certainly is Great.By the time I got home I was completely exhausted and ready for bed. I really can’t get over how amazing God is and His timing is perfect. I didn’t hear Sarah’s tiny voice by mistake, I didn’t get a group leader who was going to make us talk by accident. God loves me and is working in my heart and life at all times. I hope that I can continue to be open to what He has for me.
P.S. I took my sister's advice and wrote my bog in a document so I wouldn't lose it!