Friday, January 30, 2009

For some reason I am feeling really anxious about my u/s tomorrow. I shouldn't be since I have been doing this for quite some time now, but I am just anxious to know how many follicles I have and thick my lining is. I know it doesn't help to worry about it but its hard not to. Well I only have one more sleep before I know! Oh and I was just thinking that I have 7 nieces and nephews and 2 more on the way and I am not a Godparent. Now don't get me wrong everyone should make their own choice but come on what if I never get to be a parent and my only way is if someone dies...well that won't matter if I am not next in line:) I know this sounds random but I have been thinking about for years. I know I am not perfect but I will make a good mom and Steven and I both Love God and would raise them to love God too, but still no one asks. I guess why I am thinking of it more is because my friend Tessa has two Godchildren and she is just a baby herself. When she asked me who we were Godparents for I was taken back by the fact that I am not one. This post is not specifically for you my sweet sister and I know that you are the only one reading this right now but maybe someday people will be interested in my life. Well enough of house is soooooooooo messy and I have a half a batch of cookies done and I have felt sick all day which means I don't want to do a darn thing but go to bed. Hopefully I will wake up feeling good and will continue my day with great news!! We will just have to see.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Another Thursday Night

Well I started my Bible Study on Esther last night and oh man I need this Bible Study. It was so good to get out of the house and enjoy fellowship with the girls and the study seems like it is going to be amazing. I feel like I am getting focused again. This last few weeks have been so hard for me but I am continuing to believe that God will bless us with a baby. I can't believe that we are about to do our 4th IUI, I would have never thought for a second that we would have to do 4 or more. I am trying to not obsess so much about TTC and thinking more about how I can better myself until God will bless me with a baby. I need to start preparing myself and my house for when my baby will come. I wish I was more like my sister and made lists so I can cross stuff off so maybe I will try doing just that. Well I only have one more full day before I go in for my u/s to see how many follicles I have. I am praying for at least 2 on my good side! I have been having ovarian pain which either means I have good follicles and a few of them or I have a cyst, and of course I am praying for the prior. So if you did the math that puts my IUI on SuperBowl Sunday...yep great timing. We are hoping to be done before the game starts but if not we always have my best friend Tivo!!! So here goes nothing.
Please God help me to continue to be patient. Open my eyes and ears to all that you have for me. Help me to continue to grow into the women you want me to be. Thank you for the many blessings you have given me already. You truly are an amazing God.

Friday, January 23, 2009

no title to think of

I am feeling scared right now. I am worried I will never get to carry a child. I am worried I will have to try IVF and take the chance that that might not work. I am worried I won't be able to handle the drugs anymore. My heart is breaking right now and I just don't know how much more heartache I can take. I want to allow myself to imagine what it might be like to have a baby, hold it in my arms, nurse it, love it but I can't because the pain of it not happening makes it to difficult. I know I will feel better in a few days but the pain right now is unbearable. And to top it off I keep packing on the pounds due to all the medication. I feel so bad about myself right now. I hate seeing myself fat when I don't even have something to show for it. I am miserable right now. I need to work out but I just can't find the drive or energy. oh man I have to try to work out. My heart is breaking...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Another month of disappointment

Well this morning started off great...that is with my period. My heart is breaking and I feel defeated right now. I am so mad because I knew a week ago that I was going to start my period but I allowed myself to listen to other people, no one in particular, and believe there was some kind of hope and here I am terribly disappointed. There are no words right now to express how I feel. I am really scared that IUI's might not work for me and I will have to save up and put my body through the horrible process of IVF. There are no words right now.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Doesn't look good

Well just thought I would write a little. My heart is hurting right now, I am already cramping and I shouldn't be getting my period until Saturday or Sunday and it looks like it might be happening a little sooner than expected. I feel guilty for feeling so sad when I said that I trusted God and i would be fine either way. I still do trust God I just can't help but feel sad. Of course I just started crying in front of Steven. I hate that. I hate that I can't control my emotions. I feel like my body keeps failing me. I feel like I am broken. I feel broken

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Okay an update finally

Our little one looking pretty in the snow!
Our little one looking not so pretty in the snow!

Our big girls being very naughty!

3rd IUI!

Thats me hanging out after the IUI!

Well after I threw a big fit last night and got over it this morning I am ready to try and write my thoughts again.

Like I said before I just finished my 3rd IUI and I am patiently waiting to find out if that will be my last IUI for now. Oddly I feel as peace with the outcome either way. While I will be sad if it is another negative, I just know that God knows the desires of my heart and wants nothing more than for me to be a mom. As I said before, Steven has such amzing faith. He feels so good about this cycle and thinks it could really be our month. I on the other hand am just trying to stay hopeful everyday. I want nothing more than to me a mom and raise children that love the Lord but I want more to be able to give Steven Children. It kills me every month to have to tell him that once again he won't be a dad. But this month I feel okay. It may becasue I have so much going on right now to keep my mind occupied but I think it is because I trust that the Lord hears my cries. My brother bought me a set of pastoral videos for Christmas and we watched one together. The pastor talked about how the Lord hurts when we hurt, but He loves the intimate time we spend with him when we are at our lowest. It doesn't get more intimate than falling on your knees and begging God to take away your pain. I hope that the closeness I feel with the Lord does not dissapear once my desires are met. I promise God that I will be the best mom I can be and live everyday to gloirfy Him. I believe that the Lord will bless us with a family and if it is not this month than we will be okay with it and move onto the next month. I have never felt stronger in my life and it is only because I finally fully trust the Lord!

Well I shouldn't even be taking the time right now to write this because of this wonderful audit we have going on right now. Oh and I forgot to mention that our front and back yard were completly submerged in water and at about 11:45pm last night we had to shut offour heat because we had water coming through the vents on the floor. Yep no stress going on in my life right now. But to be honest I don't feel stressed. There are times where I feel a little overwhelmed but I feel okay. I can only do what I can do. I am trying very hard to not read into any symptoms I may be having. I am not going to be specific but I do feel different this month. It could just be becasue the doctor had me on different medication and a different protocol. Either way I will be okay. Well Hopefully I stay this positive by next week. I shouldn't test until Saturday and I am not going to test as early as I did last cycle but I may only make it to Friday:) Who knows! Off to work more!!!!
Thank you Lord for holding my heart!
Well I don't even know if I can do this. I just wrote a long post and poured my heart out on here and it all got deleted. It felt so good to write what and how I was feeling and now I feel like all my thoughts are gone. I really wanted to read it again in a few years and look back but now it is gone. I normally have such a hard time writing how I was feeling but it just spilled out an now it is gone.

Well I just had my 3rd IUI and I am praying that it worked. I am blessed to have a husband that has so much faith and his faith is never shook. I oddly feel great right now. UGH I can't even do this right now, I can't believe I lost my post.