Friday, July 31, 2009

Feeling Used

I am struggling right now with feeling used. The frustration that comes along with it, is debilitating. It has been taking too much of my focus. I hate when the devil uses areas in our life that hurt our heart the most, in order to get us off track. Then I was thinking, who feels more used then God himself? No one! We use Him when we need something, we use Him when we are scared, we use Him when we want an answer, but I know first hand that when life seems to be going by just fine....I don't need Him. Wow talk about selfless. Not only is He there for us even after being used but He is there with open arms to hold us. He says nothing about being used but takes us for who we are. Oh how I wish my heart was like His. How do you find the line between being like God and not letting people walk all over you? I will continue to ask God to open my heart and mind to learn the answer to this question.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Honest Scrap!

Thank you Mary for tagging me on this! I love learning new things about people!
The Rules:
***Thank the person who gave you this award(Thanks sis)
***Post 10 honest facts about yourself
***Pass this award on to 7 others(I too will only pass it to one since the only other blog I read is Becki's)
1) I goggle everything! During this post I will probably google how to spell 10 of the words I choose. I have already googled 20 times today, including why I could be sooooo dizzy. But if we are being honest I will have to say that my sister is way better at finding things on the Internet than I matter how much I use google:) If you are ever looking for something just ask her and she will find it!
2) I could not live without music. I could live without tv, without sweets, without a car, a computer, but I just couldn't see myself without music. And it bothers me, it has and always will, that Steven is not as passionate about music as I am...but I guess that is what I have Sam for!
3) As strong willed as I am, I am a true rule follower. I don't like to do anything I'm not suppose to and I'm married to the complete opposite. So this is how most of our conversation start,"(Steven) we should go do this, (me) are you sure we can? (Steven) oh I'm sure it will be fine." Every time. Thinking back on the little time I spent in school, I was always scared to even go to the bathroom during class...I would walk with the hall pass basically in the air:) I'm a good girl and I would like to keep it that way.
4) My sister is one of only a few people that I have never felt jealously towards when they are pregnant. There may have been moments of envy but no one has cared more about my feelings while being pregnant than her. For that I will forever be grateful!
5) I regret not going to nursing school. I know I could still go but things are so different now and I just don't see it happening right now.
6)I have a severe addiction to Starbucks. I drink their drip all day and then I still have to go in and get an iced one. Our bank account seems to be taking a huge hit because of this! But I can say I probably paid for Sam's paycheck this month. I have recently changed my drink so it doesn't cost as much, iced tall americano with hazelnut and a little nonfat milk! With my Gold card(thanks to the nies's) it come to $2.24, not bad.
7) I have strong political views and no matter what anyone says, I loved Bush! I felt like he made some good decisions and some not so good ones but he was dealt a terrible hand and he handled himself and this country the best he could....he is only human for goodness sake!
8)I have a body image problem.
9) I have always wanted someone else to want to be my friend more than I wanted to be theirs. Wow even writing it seems ridiculous, but I like to feel needed and all of my friendship's are the other way around.
10) Even after 3+ years I still hold out hope every month that I may somehow be pregnant!
I'm passing this award off to Miss Becki!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

New Scale Please

I have never been a person to say a scale is not telling the truth but this time I think there might be something wrong. I have been very diligent in eating well and exercising. On Friday I finally dropped down to a number I wasn't sure existed anymore, then I jumped on the scale this morning and it said I gained 1.5 pounds. Now that is just not possible, not only have I been eating good and is 100 degrees here and all I do is drip sweat. So my conclusion...have Steven pick up a scale from Costco today. I think back of when I had was at my ideal weight and how I thought "yep I'll never go back up again" yet here I am once again struggling. I know I'm not overweight by any means but I prefer being smaller. One thing that is good though...I don't have a big appetite when it is this warm out.

Well on to more interesting topics. Sunday was a fun filled day of seeing old friends and enjoying time together. We got up and went to church, Becki and Jake came to visit. After Church we headed for the children's building which I told people seemed like Disneyland even though I had never been in but I had seen the video they took of it. Well i was right!!!! Imagine walking into
Indiana Jones "the ride" but with brighter colors. They have this huge jungle gym thingy like chucky cheese has that all the kids seemed to love. The walls are covered with murals and many interesting things for the kids to look at, and when I say kids I mean me!!!

Becki and Jake picked the boys up and then we ran into one of Steven's cousins Sam and Rutchie who have two kids. It was there first time visiting the church and they seemed very excited about it. That is what I love about our is overflowing with passion and excitement for God. It is a big church but you just have to work to get to know people. I stood there talking with Rutchie and Becki and the guys just trying to imagine being in there with our own kids. I imagined Steven watching the little ones slide down the slide and go through the tubes. The best part about it, was that I COULD imagine it. There were moments that my heart would begin to
ache but then I would refocus on the Faith that I have with God.

After Church we headed to see the puppy that Erin and Aaron have picked out! There were 11 little puppies only 2 1/2 weeks old...sooooooo cute but I soooooo don't need another dog:)

After that we headed over to Rachel and Nathan's for an early dinner since Steven had to be up at 2am. The 4 of us had not spent time altogether for roughly 5 years. It was a little awkward at first at least for me but we soon were talking as if no time had gone by. It's funny because I imagined that both of them would have changed in some way...turns out they are exactly the same which is great to see. We had a wonderful time just talking and eating. Unfortunately it was 85 degrees in the one has ac not even us! I felt so bad because Rachel is 6 months pregnant. Poor thing.

Well that wraps up our Sunday! Now back to normal, work, work and sleep!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

New Beginnings

I have been wanting to write so much lately but can't seem to find the time but tonight I realized that I need to remember the time that I am going through right now and if I use this as almost a journal I may be more apt to allow myself some time. It is too overwhelming to think of writing everything that has happened in the last 2 weeks so I will start from here and then add stuff in as I go.

Today was totally planned out:Church, lunch with Jenna, work on the house, Lake with Glez and Steven and then off to see friends at night. Well we made it to church and I made it to lunch with Jenna and then the day was halted with Steven being sick. Don't get me wrong, he is sick but Men can be so dramatic when it comes to being sick. So I did lunch and then we came home and Steven has been asleep ever since. He is starting his temp position of Manager at costco tomorrow for 6 weeks. I can't believe he will be an acting Manager. This is such a blessing from God that he has been given this opportunity and I can only hope he feels better by 2am, ya that's right I said 2am...that is what time he has to get up for this new postition.
Where to start for me...all I can say is that I know God is working in my life. I feel so blessed because God has placed so many people and obstacles in my way in the last 3 weeks that have woke me up! He wants me and I most certainly want Him. Church was amazing today! Roger spoke on a few different things but what spoke to me the most clear is that we need to be Blessible in order to be Blessed. Oh boy! All I could do is sit there and think,"what am I doing in my life right now that God would want to bless me?" Am I using my time wisely? Am I serving where I should be? Am I being a Witness? Am I being Me centered. Yikes I got all the answers that you wouldn't want to get. Well that all ends now. I am refocusing my life and my time to allow God to work wonders in my life. Roger also talked about the difference between people blessing you and God blessing you. God blesses without strings attached. I never thought of it that way. How many times did God bless me even today that I did not thank him for. Countless things. But what I have come to realize is that God will not continue to bless if I don't prepare myself to be blessed Ahhhhh is this even making sense. So my focus right now is Prayer and Worship. I need to prepare myself to get in Gods presence so I can hear what it is that He wants from me before I can have my hearts desires. I am currently reading a book titled Finding Favor with the King. I am about 3 chapters in and I am already wanting to know more. It is talking about Ester right now and I just love to hear about her. What is funny is that my last Bible study was on her. I feel like God was putting her story in front of my face and telling me to learn from her but I wasn't ready...and here 8 months later D gave me this book and who would have thought it is basically the same thing. Well I am ready God to learn what it is that I need to. I just wanted to share a few lines from the book that have spoke to me: The author says this is what he imagines God Often thinks to Himself..."Who will love Me more than the things I can give them? Where are the people that are more interested in touching My heart than in sampling My splendor?" Wow what powerful words. For me this is saying, " will I love God for Him even if I never get a baby? Will knowing Gods plan be more important than what He will be giving me? The next line is talking about King Xerxes but also Paralleling God," The elaborate protocol was meant to protect the king and qualify the visitor." To me this means that there are things we need to do in order to be in God's presence. And going off that the last line is "Part of the lesson of protocol is the importance of Waiting" Oh waiting, how I love to wait. But now that I have this to go off of...I realize that waiting is just part of the protocol in preparing myself to be in God's presence.
Well there is so much more but I want to also be able to read before I go to bed. But before that I did want to say that Steven and I had a wonderful time on our 1 1/2 day trip to Chelan. It was everything we needed. We spent the time talking about God and reading the beginning of the book, oh ya I forgot to mention that Steven is reading it with me. We soaked up the sun and enjoyed the here are a few pictures!!

Lake Chelan!This the the Creek than ran right behind our tent...better than ten fans going at once! never slept so well camping. Hint Hint Mary your kids will sleep great if you come next summer:)

No makeup but that is how it flys while camping!

Such a pretty baby!Swimming with the ducks...that mommy suck was ticked off:)Man I don't like this picture because I look like I'm 10, kayla and Alex mixed but I had to show you that for some reason this summer I stated getting freckles and ALOT of them.

Concentrating really hard to finally beat Steven at Rummy.Steven's evil look before he went all out and left me with too many points to count, but I did when this round:)

Sweet old Bailey!My man and Lake ChelanThis turned favorite picture ever of us!