Wednesday, September 23, 2009

blood work in

Blood work in...Sorry Ashley your HCG was negative. Never gets easy to hear that.

Not what we were hoping for...

Well not the news we were Hoping and Praying for but the plan that God has for us. Steven seems so excited this morning and I prayed that is heart would be spared. He is by far one of the most faithful men I have ever meant. We got to the doctors 30 min early and were brought in early. So we sat there hand in hand while Steven prayed with me. He asked that this would be our time but if it isn't His will then we will wait. I feel so lucky to have him.

Doctor Dudley came in 25 min later and said lets check it out. As I had guessed, there was no baby. So there I laid in the uncomfortable position that I have found myself so many times before, staring blankly at the screen pretending I care what he was saying. All I could hear was,"I don't see a baby in here". It looks like I just ovulated late and I should have a period one of these days. He said it is a fluke thing that rarely ever happens but yes it would happen to me. They still drew my blood to see where all my levels were and they are even going to try and bill the insurance and see if they pay since it technically wasn't an infertility appointment.

So there we went out the door into the elevator we have taken too many times in silent, both not knowing what to say to each other. All I want to say is that I am sorry and all he wants to say is Trust God with all your heart. We walked to our cars, kissed quickly and went our separate ways to work. Shortly after I texted him that I was so sorry my body sucks so bad and that I want to give him a baby more then anything in the world. He wrote back,"Honey I know you do. It will happen." So while I sit here with tears coming down my face, I have to continue to believe that God is in complete control and He weeps with me when I am sad.

While I can say I believe that we will have a baby someday and that my focus is on what Go wants from me today, it is still hard. I still cry. My heart still breaks. Please God hold my heart during these times.

Thank you for all your prayers. We are packing up and heading to Texas tomorrow morning to visit friends. I knew going into it that they were pregnant, and she just found out yesterday she is having a boy, but this situation makes it harder. So I am asking for prayers that I will not feel jealously towards her and that we can celebrate in the gift that God has chosen to give them!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Doctor Appointment

Well the doctor called back, well actually really sweet Terri called back. She is by far one of the best nurses I have ever been around. She told me to come in for an u/s. They will be looking for one of the following 3 things: A baby:), a cyst that could cause me not to have a period, or to see where my ovaries are for this cycle(AKA, if I didn't ovulate this month). I go in tomorrow morning at 8:30am. Many mixed emotions that I am not sure how to even begin to put it in words. I believe miracles happen all the time but it is very unlikely that I am pregnant an failed a pregnancy test, but we will wait and see. So if you haven't guessed yet....that's right I will be waiting again.

still waiting

Well here I am 7 days late and waiting to hear back from the doctor to tell me what I should do, so once again I wait...I'm use to that though:)!!

Monday, September 21, 2009


Well I thought I would do a short blog, it's a negative. I am almost a week late so I will probably go to the doctor to see what is up. i am praying I haven't stopped ovulating on my own...that would be a bummer on top of all the rest. Other then that I'm doing pretty good. God is good, today will be a great day and tomorrow will be better. Thank you for all your prayers. Not sure if I will be able to hold it back from Steven anymore but we will see! Have a blessed day!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

We will see...

Not sure if I will ever publish this blog but I know that I need to write. I am 5 days late for my period...5 days, I can't even believe it. i have never been this late when I wasn't on fertility medication. I have only told a couple of people and most of them have not said anything. I have managed to not say anything to Steven, not because I want to hide it from him but I am trying to spare him the devastation if I am not.

Church last night was amazing, especially right after worship. Pastor roger talked about those that are victorious in their lives, they want it more and they want it longer. I believe that is Steven and I to the T! I felt something, I felt the peace come over me, as if god was telling me that He will show me something special for those that want it longer and more. But at the same time I feel at peace with the fact that there is a really good Chance i am not pregnant. I know I will be more sad this month than I have been the last few months but I feel at peace with it.

It is so hard to not start thinking about all the different ways that I would love to tell Steven that he is FINALLY going to be a dad, but I have been praying that my mind not go there. I have been praying that god will direct my mind to other things that would benefit His will in my life and how i can help others life. It is very dangerous to start obsessing over your own life and the circumstances that come with it, I know this first hand because I spent the last 3 years doing it. What a change in how you feel when you don't focus only on your self.

Well its gonna be a looooooooooooooooooooong night. I plan on taking a pregnancy test in the morning if I haven't started by the morning.

What I do know it that God is good and Faithful regardless of the outcome this month. Please God protect my heart. So all I can say is we will see...