Tuesday, October 13, 2009

His Timing is Perfect

God is great!

Last week was Bible Study which I love. Tessa is also doing the Bible Study which I am thrilled about, so I spent most of my day thinking of her since I knew she was nervous about it. We got there a little early and got seats next to each other. We always start in our small groups and then head to the sanctuary for the video. We are doing another Angela Thomas study who I absolutely love. She is so transparent in what she has gone through and that lady knows heart ache, let me tell you. The small group this year only has two people from my last two studies so I knew it was going to take some time to get to know people. The homework this week really touched me. It was about being transparent, not being fake, and allowing Godly women into your life to help you through the good and bad times. It talked about God being our comforter, and it talked about how God uses us the most when we are broken hearted. Through the grace God shows those of us in sorrow, others are able to see His love.

I had so many insightful things I wanted to share. I wanted the two women that have been with me through my toughest time to see that I have grown in strength and faith. Unfortunately when it came to me, I fell apart. I was tripping over my words, I felt flustered and was holding back tears while sharing my situation. I gave everyone a brief description on my situation and tried to explain what God showed me through the week of study. As always someone raised their hand and I knew just what was about to go down. The lady then shared how she had had cancer and prayed to God to heal her and it worked, Praise Jesus for that. She then went on to tell me that her Daughter was told she had stage 3 cervical cancer and was going into the hospital to get it cleaned out when the doctor came in her mom asked the doctors if she could pray for her first. So she prayed and prayed and prayed and 20 days later not only was the cancer part better she was Pregnant. What an amazing testament to God’s healing and Faith. I sat there just looking at her and told her how happy I was for her and her family. The week prior Christina, our group leader, told us she did not want us to be fake so I proceeded to say that I needed to be honest with them. I told the lady that her testament was amazing but I have heard 1,000,000 stories of God healing others and sometimes it gets a little much. I told her that I too have people praying for me, people that lay their hands on me and beg God for healing but I have yet to be healed, and that is hard to swallow at times. She seemed taken aback which I expected so I did apologize and said that wasn’t trying to take away anything about how God had healed her and her daughter but I have heard it before. She then began to almost list off all these things her daughter did before God healed her, as if I did ABCDE then God would reward me. I do not believe that. I do believe that God wants something more from me, my attention. But I in no way believe that God is a vending machine, where you put in a perfect combination and out pops a baby. So the talking ended there. Christina did a great job facilitating the situation. We all prayed together and then she handed out cards to write our prayer request down. We are in a room with another group that sits fairly close to us, so as our group sat in silence writing our prayers down, a sweet quiet voice said, “I have been trying for 5 ½ years to have a baby.” I looked up and made eye contact with Christina, she then said, “did you hear that”, I answered with a quick yes. She told me I would be talking with her after we were done and in my head I was like “um, no I won’t be.” So I got up and got my stuff together and was concerned that Tessa felt comfortable and headed towards the sanctuary. Christina asked if I had spoke with her and I looked down and said no and continued walking. As I was about to sit Christina called my name and said to come with her. I had Tessa find a seat and I followed her. In my heart I was thinking, “let this go Christina”. As I walked out, there she was…Sarah. Christina began to share with us both our brief stories and I began to weep, Sarah took me in her arms and we both cried(totally a TLC moment). She let go and said everything I have needed someone to say to me for years. She began to share all the same feeling I have. She said that she knew how bad it hurt, she knew how hard it is to get out of bed some days. We both stood there crying as she kept sharing how painful infertility is. One phrase that she repeated 4 times was this, “God never puts a desire in our heart that he is unwilling to fulfill.” What an amazing statement that I so needed to hear. She told me I had made it through the toughest years…years 1-3. She did say that it comes in waves fro then on out. Some days you do great and others you have complete breakdowns. She would then share a little more, and then we would cry and hug again. She gave me her Phone number and full name for of course, FACEBOOK! She told me I could call at 3am, because she too knows what it feels like to be up at that hour wishing she had a baby to comfort. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to look into someone’s eyes that knew exactly how I felt. Thank you God for providing me with that. God most certainly is Great.By the time I got home I was completely exhausted and ready for bed. I really can’t get over how amazing God is and His timing is perfect. I didn’t hear Sarah’s tiny voice by mistake, I didn’t get a group leader who was going to make us talk by accident. God loves me and is working in my heart and life at all times. I hope that I can continue to be open to what He has for me.

P.S. I took my sister's advice and wrote my bog in a document so I wouldn't lose it!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

blood work in

Blood work in...Sorry Ashley your HCG was negative. Never gets easy to hear that.

Not what we were hoping for...

Well not the news we were Hoping and Praying for but the plan that God has for us. Steven seems so excited this morning and I prayed that is heart would be spared. He is by far one of the most faithful men I have ever meant. We got to the doctors 30 min early and were brought in early. So we sat there hand in hand while Steven prayed with me. He asked that this would be our time but if it isn't His will then we will wait. I feel so lucky to have him.

Doctor Dudley came in 25 min later and said lets check it out. As I had guessed, there was no baby. So there I laid in the uncomfortable position that I have found myself so many times before, staring blankly at the screen pretending I care what he was saying. All I could hear was,"I don't see a baby in here". It looks like I just ovulated late and I should have a period one of these days. He said it is a fluke thing that rarely ever happens but yes it would happen to me. They still drew my blood to see where all my levels were and they are even going to try and bill the insurance and see if they pay since it technically wasn't an infertility appointment.

So there we went out the door into the elevator we have taken too many times in silent, both not knowing what to say to each other. All I want to say is that I am sorry and all he wants to say is Trust God with all your heart. We walked to our cars, kissed quickly and went our separate ways to work. Shortly after I texted him that I was so sorry my body sucks so bad and that I want to give him a baby more then anything in the world. He wrote back,"Honey I know you do. It will happen." So while I sit here with tears coming down my face, I have to continue to believe that God is in complete control and He weeps with me when I am sad.

While I can say I believe that we will have a baby someday and that my focus is on what Go wants from me today, it is still hard. I still cry. My heart still breaks. Please God hold my heart during these times.

Thank you for all your prayers. We are packing up and heading to Texas tomorrow morning to visit friends. I knew going into it that they were pregnant, and she just found out yesterday she is having a boy, but this situation makes it harder. So I am asking for prayers that I will not feel jealously towards her and that we can celebrate in the gift that God has chosen to give them!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Doctor Appointment

Well the doctor called back, well actually really sweet Terri called back. She is by far one of the best nurses I have ever been around. She told me to come in for an u/s. They will be looking for one of the following 3 things: A baby:), a cyst that could cause me not to have a period, or to see where my ovaries are for this cycle(AKA, if I didn't ovulate this month). I go in tomorrow morning at 8:30am. Many mixed emotions that I am not sure how to even begin to put it in words. I believe miracles happen all the time but it is very unlikely that I am pregnant an failed a pregnancy test, but we will wait and see. So if you haven't guessed yet....that's right I will be waiting again.

still waiting

Well here I am 7 days late and waiting to hear back from the doctor to tell me what I should do, so once again I wait...I'm use to that though:)!!

Monday, September 21, 2009


Well I thought I would do a short blog, it's a negative. I am almost a week late so I will probably go to the doctor to see what is up. i am praying I haven't stopped ovulating on my own...that would be a bummer on top of all the rest. Other then that I'm doing pretty good. God is good, today will be a great day and tomorrow will be better. Thank you for all your prayers. Not sure if I will be able to hold it back from Steven anymore but we will see! Have a blessed day!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

We will see...

Not sure if I will ever publish this blog but I know that I need to write. I am 5 days late for my period...5 days, I can't even believe it. i have never been this late when I wasn't on fertility medication. I have only told a couple of people and most of them have not said anything. I have managed to not say anything to Steven, not because I want to hide it from him but I am trying to spare him the devastation if I am not.

Church last night was amazing, especially right after worship. Pastor roger talked about those that are victorious in their lives, they want it more and they want it longer. I believe that is Steven and I to the T! I felt something, I felt the peace come over me, as if god was telling me that He will show me something special for those that want it longer and more. But at the same time I feel at peace with the fact that there is a really good Chance i am not pregnant. I know I will be more sad this month than I have been the last few months but I feel at peace with it.

It is so hard to not start thinking about all the different ways that I would love to tell Steven that he is FINALLY going to be a dad, but I have been praying that my mind not go there. I have been praying that god will direct my mind to other things that would benefit His will in my life and how i can help others life. It is very dangerous to start obsessing over your own life and the circumstances that come with it, I know this first hand because I spent the last 3 years doing it. What a change in how you feel when you don't focus only on your self.

Well its gonna be a looooooooooooooooooooong night. I plan on taking a pregnancy test in the morning if I haven't started by the morning.

What I do know it that God is good and Faithful regardless of the outcome this month. Please God protect my heart. So all I can say is we will see...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Joy and Pain

So much going on, too much to even write about. I have been doing pretty well lately focusing on my relationship with God and learning to love the life I have right now. Steven and I have grown so much I can't even begin to describe. With that said, the last couple days have been extra terrible...I am having the worst period of my life. With having endometriosis comes wonderful periods that are debilitating and horrid. It is hard to stay positive in the midst of my version of hell. God has taken it upon Himself to challenge me during these few days...great timing I know. I found out Sunday that some friends of ours are pregnant with their second child together. That is two babies in the time that we have been trying for one...at least that is what my heart that was breaking in two was saying but my mind was stronger. I stepped back from the computer and continued to repeat,"I trust you Lord that you have a plan for Steven and I. Thank you for the blessings you have given our friends" over and over and over I said this to myself and in a matter of time the pain in my heart began to subside. I find it interesting that God gives us some of our hardest challenges during the toughest time. I am continuing to read my book, slowly but surely and it is speaking right to my heart. I so badly want God's favor over my life. I am focusing on giving myself over completely to Him.

Battles are not won on the basis of your strength or your enemy's size. You win or lose on the basis of your relationship with God~Tommy Tenney

Infertility and sorrow are my enemy's but my God is bigger and through Him my Sorrow has been turned to Joy and soon I will have a baby to fill our arms!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Feeling Used

I am struggling right now with feeling used. The frustration that comes along with it, is debilitating. It has been taking too much of my focus. I hate when the devil uses areas in our life that hurt our heart the most, in order to get us off track. Then I was thinking, who feels more used then God himself? No one! We use Him when we need something, we use Him when we are scared, we use Him when we want an answer, but I know first hand that when life seems to be going by just fine....I don't need Him. Wow talk about selfless. Not only is He there for us even after being used but He is there with open arms to hold us. He says nothing about being used but takes us for who we are. Oh how I wish my heart was like His. How do you find the line between being like God and not letting people walk all over you? I will continue to ask God to open my heart and mind to learn the answer to this question.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Honest Scrap!

Thank you Mary for tagging me on this! I love learning new things about people!
The Rules:
***Thank the person who gave you this award(Thanks sis)
***Post 10 honest facts about yourself
***Pass this award on to 7 others(I too will only pass it to one since the only other blog I read is Becki's)
1) I goggle everything! During this post I will probably google how to spell 10 of the words I choose. I have already googled 20 times today, including why I could be sooooo dizzy. But if we are being honest I will have to say that my sister is way better at finding things on the Internet than I am...no matter how much I use google:) If you are ever looking for something just ask her and she will find it!
2) I could not live without music. I could live without tv, without sweets, without a car, a computer, but I just couldn't see myself without music. And it bothers me, it has and always will, that Steven is not as passionate about music as I am...but I guess that is what I have Sam for!
3) As strong willed as I am, I am a true rule follower. I don't like to do anything I'm not suppose to and I'm married to the complete opposite. So this is how most of our conversation start,"(Steven) we should go do this, (me) are you sure we can? (Steven) oh I'm sure it will be fine." Every time. Thinking back on the little time I spent in school, I was always scared to even go to the bathroom during class...I would walk with the hall pass basically in the air:) I'm a good girl and I would like to keep it that way.
4) My sister is one of only a few people that I have never felt jealously towards when they are pregnant. There may have been moments of envy but no one has cared more about my feelings while being pregnant than her. For that I will forever be grateful!
5) I regret not going to nursing school. I know I could still go but things are so different now and I just don't see it happening right now.
6)I have a severe addiction to Starbucks. I drink their drip all day and then I still have to go in and get an iced one. Our bank account seems to be taking a huge hit because of this! But I can say I probably paid for Sam's paycheck this month. I have recently changed my drink so it doesn't cost as much, iced tall americano with hazelnut and a little nonfat milk! With my Gold card(thanks to the nies's) it come to $2.24, not bad.
7) I have strong political views and no matter what anyone says, I loved Bush! I felt like he made some good decisions and some not so good ones but he was dealt a terrible hand and he handled himself and this country the best he could....he is only human for goodness sake!
8)I have a body image problem.
9) I have always wanted someone else to want to be my friend more than I wanted to be theirs. Wow even writing it seems ridiculous, but I like to feel needed and all of my friendship's are the other way around.
10) Even after 3+ years I still hold out hope every month that I may somehow be pregnant!
I'm passing this award off to Miss Becki!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

New Scale Please

I have never been a person to say a scale is not telling the truth but this time I think there might be something wrong. I have been very diligent in eating well and exercising. On Friday I finally dropped down to a number I wasn't sure existed anymore, then I jumped on the scale this morning and it said I gained 1.5 pounds. Now that is just not possible, not only have I been eating good and exercising...it is 100 degrees here and all I do is drip sweat. So my conclusion...have Steven pick up a scale from Costco today. I think back of when I had was at my ideal weight and how I thought "yep I'll never go back up again" yet here I am once again struggling. I know I'm not overweight by any means but I prefer being smaller. One thing that is good though...I don't have a big appetite when it is this warm out.

Well on to more interesting topics. Sunday was a fun filled day of seeing old friends and enjoying time together. We got up and went to church, Becki and Jake came to visit. After Church we headed for the children's building which I told people seemed like Disneyland even though I had never been in but I had seen the video they took of it. Well i was right!!!! Imagine walking into
Indiana Jones "the ride" but with brighter colors. They have this huge jungle gym thingy like chucky cheese has that all the kids seemed to love. The walls are covered with murals and many interesting things for the kids to look at, and when I say kids I mean me!!!

Becki and Jake picked the boys up and then we ran into one of Steven's cousins Sam and Rutchie who have two kids. It was there first time visiting the church and they seemed very excited about it. That is what I love about our church....it is overflowing with passion and excitement for God. It is a big church but you just have to work to get to know people. I stood there talking with Rutchie and Becki and the guys just trying to imagine being in there with our own kids. I imagined Steven watching the little ones slide down the slide and go through the tubes. The best part about it, was that I COULD imagine it. There were moments that my heart would begin to
ache but then I would refocus on the Faith that I have with God.

After Church we headed to see the puppy that Erin and Aaron have picked out! There were 11 little puppies only 2 1/2 weeks old...sooooooo cute but I soooooo don't need another dog:)

After that we headed over to Rachel and Nathan's for an early dinner since Steven had to be up at 2am. The 4 of us had not spent time altogether for roughly 5 years. It was a little awkward at first at least for me but we soon were talking as if no time had gone by. It's funny because I imagined that both of them would have changed in some way...turns out they are exactly the same which is great to see. We had a wonderful time just talking and eating. Unfortunately it was 85 degrees in the house...no one has ac not even us! I felt so bad because Rachel is 6 months pregnant. Poor thing.

Well that wraps up our Sunday! Now back to normal life...work, work, work and sleep!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

New Beginnings

I have been wanting to write so much lately but can't seem to find the time but tonight I realized that I need to remember the time that I am going through right now and if I use this as almost a journal I may be more apt to allow myself some time. It is too overwhelming to think of writing everything that has happened in the last 2 weeks so I will start from here and then add stuff in as I go.

Today was totally planned out:Church, lunch with Jenna, work on the house, Lake with Glez and Steven and then off to see friends at night. Well we made it to church and I made it to lunch with Jenna and then the day was halted with Steven being sick. Don't get me wrong, he is sick but Men can be so dramatic when it comes to being sick. So I did lunch and then we came home and Steven has been asleep ever since. He is starting his temp position of Manager at costco tomorrow for 6 weeks. I can't believe he will be an acting Manager. This is such a blessing from God that he has been given this opportunity and I can only hope he feels better by 2am, ya that's right I said 2am...that is what time he has to get up for this new postition.
Where to start for me...all I can say is that I know God is working in my life. I feel so blessed because God has placed so many people and obstacles in my way in the last 3 weeks that have woke me up! He wants me and I most certainly want Him. Church was amazing today! Roger spoke on a few different things but what spoke to me the most clear is that we need to be Blessible in order to be Blessed. Oh boy! All I could do is sit there and think,"what am I doing in my life right now that God would want to bless me?" Am I using my time wisely? Am I serving where I should be? Am I being a Witness? Am I being Me centered. Yikes I got all the answers that you wouldn't want to get. Well that all ends now. I am refocusing my life and my time to allow God to work wonders in my life. Roger also talked about the difference between people blessing you and God blessing you. God blesses without strings attached. I never thought of it that way. How many times did God bless me even today that I did not thank him for. Countless things. But what I have come to realize is that God will not continue to bless if I don't prepare myself to be blessed Ahhhhh is this even making sense. So my focus right now is Prayer and Worship. I need to prepare myself to get in Gods presence so I can hear what it is that He wants from me before I can have my hearts desires. I am currently reading a book titled Finding Favor with the King. I am about 3 chapters in and I am already wanting to know more. It is talking about Ester right now and I just love to hear about her. What is funny is that my last Bible study was on her. I feel like God was putting her story in front of my face and telling me to learn from her but I wasn't ready...and here 8 months later D gave me this book and who would have thought it is basically the same thing. Well I am ready God to learn what it is that I need to. I just wanted to share a few lines from the book that have spoke to me: The author says this is what he imagines God Often thinks to Himself..."Who will love Me more than the things I can give them? Where are the people that are more interested in touching My heart than in sampling My splendor?" Wow what powerful words. For me this is saying, " will I love God for Him even if I never get a baby? Will knowing Gods plan be more important than what He will be giving me? The next line is talking about King Xerxes but also Paralleling God," The elaborate protocol was meant to protect the king and qualify the visitor." To me this means that there are things we need to do in order to be in God's presence. And going off that the last line is "Part of the lesson of protocol is the importance of Waiting" Oh waiting, how I love to wait. But now that I have this to go off of...I realize that waiting is just part of the protocol in preparing myself to be in God's presence.
Well there is so much more but I want to also be able to read before I go to bed. But before that I did want to say that Steven and I had a wonderful time on our 1 1/2 day trip to Chelan. It was everything we needed. We spent the time talking about God and reading the beginning of the book, oh ya I forgot to mention that Steven is reading it with me. We soaked up the sun and enjoyed the rest..so here are a few pictures!!

Lake Chelan!This the the Creek than ran right behind our tent...better than ten fans going at once! never slept so well camping. Hint Hint Mary your kids will sleep great if you come next summer:)

No makeup but that is how it flys while camping!

Such a pretty baby!Swimming with the ducks...that mommy suck was ticked off:)Man I don't like this picture because I look like I'm 10, kayla and Alex mixed but I had to show you that for some reason this summer I stated getting freckles and ALOT of them.

Concentrating really hard to finally beat Steven at Rummy.Steven's evil look before he went all out and left me with too many points to count, but I did when this round:)

Sweet old Bailey!My man and Lake ChelanThis turned into...this...my favorite picture ever of us!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My favorite Tree

I have taken pictures, countless, of our tree in the front yard. Eventhough we don't live there currently I still wanted to post these pictures because it shows exactly why I love Washington so very much...you get all the seasons!

Fall...I love when the leaves change colors

A winter evening.
Early Spring

Spring is here!

Monday, June 22, 2009

It's been a long time

Well I thought I would start back up writing a little. I have found myself lost in life lately. We are on a break from trying to have a baby or at least on a break from the doctors. I stupidly(if that's a word) agreed to taking a break for a year and now 3 months in, I am finding myself at a loss for words that I did that. It is much harder to not actively be trying than it is to try. I do my best to not talk about it with people but what is there to talk about? So my goal is to allow myself to write about it hear but add a few things that I have been doing in the mean time. I did ask Steven this morning if he would consider only taking a 6 month break but he is not easily persuaded, but I will keep trying. I have made it through another Mother's and Father's day and I have basically a year before having to go through it again. My goal last year was to be pregnant before Father's Day this year but that didn't happen. I am too afraid to make anymore goals because I don't seem to reach them.

I did just get back from New York and will post pictures once I have them on my computer. I had a wonderful time. Now that I am back I will be focusing on eating well, exercising and losing this added weight from my overeating and fertility drugs. I suppose I should be working but I just don't feel like it. UGH!!!!!!

Saturday, February 28, 2009

a little update

Just a little update on our plan. I am trying to get back to normal, I am just not sure what normal is. I am doing my best to not be depressed but I feel sad all the time and the pain in my heart is unbearable. I still believe that I will have a baby, as always I just wish I knew when. So Monday I go in and see what side my follicles are on. I need them to be on my right side because that is supposedly my good side. If I have 2 or more on my right side then we may opt to do another(that will be number 5) IUI, if not then we will just opt not to. I plan on asking the RE if he would be willing to do another surgery to see what kind of condition my right tube is in. It would be great to know that because that would determine when we do IVF. If it were up to me I would be doing IVF all ready. I don't believe you can put a price on a baby so I am fine with taking out the loan now. Steven on the other hand is not that ready to do it. He still believes that we will get pregnant without IVF, but I then asked him where he got his medical licence. But we are a team and I want both of us to be ready. So as always I wait to talk with the doctor and see what he is willing to do.

I still cry at everything but I am trying to pull myself out of this a little everyday. Who would have thought trying to have a baby would ever be like this. I just wish and pray my heart stops breaking soon.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I am losing myself

I don't even know what to say. I feel like I have lost the joy that life is. I have a hard time laughing and being happy. I feel as though I am losing my friends and it is completely my fault. I don't want to talk with people. I don't want to hear about how there lives are just continuing while mine feels as though it is at a stand still but I don't want to not know what is going on in their lives. I can't have it both ways. I love my friends and family and I want nothing but the best but I just feel as though I am dieing. I am trying hard to pull myself out of this funk and I just can't seem to find a rope to hold on to. I cry at nothing and everything. I feel so lost in life...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Instincts were wrong.

Wow I really thought I knew my body. Everything about this month seemed different but yet the same outcome. I hate my body for deceiving me. Why have I woke up every morning at 4-5 to pee, even this morning when I waited as long as I could and finally had to get up and test at 6am? Why did my boobs not start hurting until 13dpo? Why did I feel weird sensations? Well it was fun thinking I might be pregnant while it lasted. Shame on me for looking up what the due date would be though. Not sure where we are going from here. We are both to devastated to make a create a plan. The pain is much worse falling from the top, but Steven loved that I was so hopeful...so for that it was worth it.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Overwhelmed with Hope!

What can I say I have had a permanent smile on my face for days especially in the last 2. Call it reading into things if you like my I know my body probably better than anyone knows there body and my boobs should have started hurting two days ago and still nothing:) Not much more to say other than I am more Hopeful than I have ever been and I love it. I honestly feel like it could happen for us this month!!!! I am sad no matter what when it doesn't happen so I have decided to assume I am pregnant and it feels soooooooooooooo much better this way. Normally by now I am dreading the last 6 days but not this time, I am anxious! There have been months where I think I could be feeling symptoms differently but you can't imagine your boobs not hurting! I know anyone reading this is thinking I am only going to make it hurt more if I am not pregnant but I am okay with that. I haven't allowed myself to think that way this month. I allow myself about 5 min a day of worrying and then I tell myself nope your going to be positive...and it has worked! My cycle ends on Monday and I am going to try to not test until then but with the way I am feeling I doubt I will make it but maybe I can hold out. Steven just keeps repeating 4th and final! That is what we are believing. So that's the update. I am overflowing with hope!!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Just us being Hopeful!
4th IUI and yes that is a double chin, I blame it on the way the table is tilted!:)

Just me the day I found out I had at least 3 follicles!!!!!!!!!

This is what the house looked like for 2 weeks! Shocking I didn't get pregnant that month!

I love Ducks, it is kind of a new thing for me.

I just love the colors in this picture!

Rocky hoarding the bones as usual!

Well here I am 2dpo and I am feeling great. I had been having really bad cramping the last few days but today I feel good. I haven't been sleeping very well and I am guessing that is from the HCG shot which is the pregnancy hormone shot. I always get my hopes up while being realistic but this month I am going with full hope. I am choosing to assume it worked until I know otherwise. Last night we were laying in bed and I heard Steven start counting months and I asked what he was doing, even though I kind of knew. He told me he was counting 9 months from now and he said that he has never done that before. We both said a November baby would be amazing! It was great to hear him seem so hopeful, he always is but it always surprises me to hear how hopeful he is after so long. When I was laying in bed I thought to myself that I wouldn't trade this time in for a baby 3 years ago. Although it has been the most painful time of my life, Steven and I have grown so much closer to each other and God. I love Steven more than anything and I am praying to give him a November Baby. So for the next 13 days I am choosing to be a complete homebody. I asked the nurse what I could do this month to make the 4th time stick and she just kept saying Relax, relax, relax. So that is what I am doing. I am working from the couch and walking around at a slower pace. I am also visualizing my baby in my arms. I am trying to keep the house clean, but not trying to do it all at once. I am also believing believing and believing that this is our month. The nurse told me to get into a good book but I have chose to try and finish a knitting project. I am currently working on a baby sweater and I will be starting a brown baby hat for my newest nephew to come...Henry! So that is where I am right now...hope I stay as hopeful over the next 13 days!

Friday, January 30, 2009

For some reason I am feeling really anxious about my u/s tomorrow. I shouldn't be since I have been doing this for quite some time now, but I am just anxious to know how many follicles I have and thick my lining is. I know it doesn't help to worry about it but its hard not to. Well I only have one more sleep before I know! Oh and I was just thinking that I have 7 nieces and nephews and 2 more on the way and I am not a Godparent. Now don't get me wrong everyone should make their own choice but come on what if I never get to be a parent and my only way is if someone dies...well that won't matter if I am not next in line:) I know this sounds random but I have been thinking about for years. I know I am not perfect but I will make a good mom and Steven and I both Love God and would raise them to love God too, but still no one asks. I guess why I am thinking of it more is because my friend Tessa has two Godchildren and she is just a baby herself. When she asked me who we were Godparents for I was taken back by the fact that I am not one. This post is not specifically for you my sweet sister and I know that you are the only one reading this right now but maybe someday people will be interested in my life. Well enough of this..my house is soooooooooo messy and I have a half a batch of cookies done and I have felt sick all day which means I don't want to do a darn thing but go to bed. Hopefully I will wake up feeling good and will continue my day with great news!! We will just have to see.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Another Thursday Night

Well I started my Bible Study on Esther last night and oh man I need this Bible Study. It was so good to get out of the house and enjoy fellowship with the girls and the study seems like it is going to be amazing. I feel like I am getting focused again. This last few weeks have been so hard for me but I am continuing to believe that God will bless us with a baby. I can't believe that we are about to do our 4th IUI, I would have never thought for a second that we would have to do 4 or more. I am trying to not obsess so much about TTC and thinking more about how I can better myself until God will bless me with a baby. I need to start preparing myself and my house for when my baby will come. I wish I was more like my sister and made lists so I can cross stuff off so maybe I will try doing just that. Well I only have one more full day before I go in for my u/s to see how many follicles I have. I am praying for at least 2 on my good side! I have been having ovarian pain which either means I have good follicles and a few of them or I have a cyst, and of course I am praying for the prior. So if you did the math that puts my IUI on SuperBowl Sunday...yep great timing. We are hoping to be done before the game starts but if not we always have my best friend Tivo!!! So here goes nothing.
Please God help me to continue to be patient. Open my eyes and ears to all that you have for me. Help me to continue to grow into the women you want me to be. Thank you for the many blessings you have given me already. You truly are an amazing God.

Friday, January 23, 2009

no title to think of

I am feeling scared right now. I am worried I will never get to carry a child. I am worried I will have to try IVF and take the chance that that might not work. I am worried I won't be able to handle the drugs anymore. My heart is breaking right now and I just don't know how much more heartache I can take. I want to allow myself to imagine what it might be like to have a baby, hold it in my arms, nurse it, love it but I can't because the pain of it not happening makes it to difficult. I know I will feel better in a few days but the pain right now is unbearable. And to top it off I keep packing on the pounds due to all the medication. I feel so bad about myself right now. I hate seeing myself fat when I don't even have something to show for it. I am miserable right now. I need to work out but I just can't find the drive or energy. oh man I have to try to work out. My heart is breaking...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Another month of disappointment

Well this morning started off great...that is with my period. My heart is breaking and I feel defeated right now. I am so mad because I knew a week ago that I was going to start my period but I allowed myself to listen to other people, no one in particular, and believe there was some kind of hope and here I am terribly disappointed. There are no words right now to express how I feel. I am really scared that IUI's might not work for me and I will have to save up and put my body through the horrible process of IVF. There are no words right now.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Doesn't look good

Well just thought I would write a little. My heart is hurting right now, I am already cramping and I shouldn't be getting my period until Saturday or Sunday and it looks like it might be happening a little sooner than expected. I feel guilty for feeling so sad when I said that I trusted God and i would be fine either way. I still do trust God I just can't help but feel sad. Of course I just started crying in front of Steven. I hate that. I hate that I can't control my emotions. I feel like my body keeps failing me. I feel like I am broken. I feel broken

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Okay an update finally

Our little one looking pretty in the snow!
Our little one looking not so pretty in the snow!

Our big girls being very naughty!

3rd IUI!

Thats me hanging out after the IUI!

Well after I threw a big fit last night and got over it this morning I am ready to try and write my thoughts again.

Like I said before I just finished my 3rd IUI and I am patiently waiting to find out if that will be my last IUI for now. Oddly I feel as peace with the outcome either way. While I will be sad if it is another negative, I just know that God knows the desires of my heart and wants nothing more than for me to be a mom. As I said before, Steven has such amzing faith. He feels so good about this cycle and thinks it could really be our month. I on the other hand am just trying to stay hopeful everyday. I want nothing more than to me a mom and raise children that love the Lord but I want more to be able to give Steven Children. It kills me every month to have to tell him that once again he won't be a dad. But this month I feel okay. It may becasue I have so much going on right now to keep my mind occupied but I think it is because I trust that the Lord hears my cries. My brother bought me a set of pastoral videos for Christmas and we watched one together. The pastor talked about how the Lord hurts when we hurt, but He loves the intimate time we spend with him when we are at our lowest. It doesn't get more intimate than falling on your knees and begging God to take away your pain. I hope that the closeness I feel with the Lord does not dissapear once my desires are met. I promise God that I will be the best mom I can be and live everyday to gloirfy Him. I believe that the Lord will bless us with a family and if it is not this month than we will be okay with it and move onto the next month. I have never felt stronger in my life and it is only because I finally fully trust the Lord!

Well I shouldn't even be taking the time right now to write this because of this wonderful audit we have going on right now. Oh and I forgot to mention that our front and back yard were completly submerged in water and at about 11:45pm last night we had to shut offour heat because we had water coming through the vents on the floor. Yep no stress going on in my life right now. But to be honest I don't feel stressed. There are times where I feel a little overwhelmed but I feel okay. I can only do what I can do. I am trying very hard to not read into any symptoms I may be having. I am not going to be specific but I do feel different this month. It could just be becasue the doctor had me on different medication and a different protocol. Either way I will be okay. Well Hopefully I stay this positive by next week. I shouldn't test until Saturday and I am not going to test as early as I did last cycle but I may only make it to Friday:) Who knows! Off to work more!!!!
Thank you Lord for holding my heart!
Well I don't even know if I can do this. I just wrote a long post and poured my heart out on here and it all got deleted. It felt so good to write what and how I was feeling and now I feel like all my thoughts are gone. I really wanted to read it again in a few years and look back but now it is gone. I normally have such a hard time writing how I was feeling but it just spilled out an now it is gone.

Well I just had my 3rd IUI and I am praying that it worked. I am blessed to have a husband that has so much faith and his faith is never shook. I oddly feel great right now. UGH I can't even do this right now, I can't believe I lost my post.