Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Last week was Bible Study which I love. Tessa is also doing the Bible Study which I am thrilled about, so I spent most of my day thinking of her since I knew she was nervous about it. We got there a little early and got seats next to each other. We always start in our small groups and then head to the sanctuary for the video. We are doing another Angela Thomas study who I absolutely love. She is so transparent in what she has gone through and that lady knows heart ache, let me tell you. The small group this year only has two people from my last two studies so I knew it was going to take some time to get to know people. The homework this week really touched me. It was about being transparent, not being fake, and allowing Godly women into your life to help you through the good and bad times. It talked about God being our comforter, and it talked about how God uses us the most when we are broken hearted. Through the grace God shows those of us in sorrow, others are able to see His love.
I had so many insightful things I wanted to share. I wanted the two women that have been with me through my toughest time to see that I have grown in strength and faith. Unfortunately when it came to me, I fell apart. I was tripping over my words, I felt flustered and was holding back tears while sharing my situation. I gave everyone a brief description on my situation and tried to explain what God showed me through the week of study. As always someone raised their hand and I knew just what was about to go down. The lady then shared how she had had cancer and prayed to God to heal her and it worked, Praise Jesus for that. She then went on to tell me that her Daughter was told she had stage 3 cervical cancer and was going into the hospital to get it cleaned out when the doctor came in her mom asked the doctors if she could pray for her first. So she prayed and prayed and prayed and 20 days later not only was the cancer part better she was Pregnant. What an amazing testament to God’s healing and Faith. I sat there just looking at her and told her how happy I was for her and her family. The week prior Christina, our group leader, told us she did not want us to be fake so I proceeded to say that I needed to be honest with them. I told the lady that her testament was amazing but I have heard 1,000,000 stories of God healing others and sometimes it gets a little much. I told her that I too have people praying for me, people that lay their hands on me and beg God for healing but I have yet to be healed, and that is hard to swallow at times. She seemed taken aback which I expected so I did apologize and said that wasn’t trying to take away anything about how God had healed her and her daughter but I have heard it before. She then began to almost list off all these things her daughter did before God healed her, as if I did ABCDE then God would reward me. I do not believe that. I do believe that God wants something more from me, my attention. But I in no way believe that God is a vending machine, where you put in a perfect combination and out pops a baby. So the talking ended there. Christina did a great job facilitating the situation. We all prayed together and then she handed out cards to write our prayer request down. We are in a room with another group that sits fairly close to us, so as our group sat in silence writing our prayers down, a sweet quiet voice said, “I have been trying for 5 ½ years to have a baby.” I looked up and made eye contact with Christina, she then said, “did you hear that”, I answered with a quick yes. She told me I would be talking with her after we were done and in my head I was like “um, no I won’t be.” So I got up and got my stuff together and was concerned that Tessa felt comfortable and headed towards the sanctuary. Christina asked if I had spoke with her and I looked down and said no and continued walking. As I was about to sit Christina called my name and said to come with her. I had Tessa find a seat and I followed her. In my heart I was thinking, “let this go Christina”. As I walked out, there she was…Sarah. Christina began to share with us both our brief stories and I began to weep, Sarah took me in her arms and we both cried(totally a TLC moment). She let go and said everything I have needed someone to say to me for years. She began to share all the same feeling I have. She said that she knew how bad it hurt, she knew how hard it is to get out of bed some days. We both stood there crying as she kept sharing how painful infertility is. One phrase that she repeated 4 times was this, “God never puts a desire in our heart that he is unwilling to fulfill.” What an amazing statement that I so needed to hear. She told me I had made it through the toughest years…years 1-3. She did say that it comes in waves fro then on out. Some days you do great and others you have complete breakdowns. She would then share a little more, and then we would cry and hug again. She gave me her Phone number and full name for of course, FACEBOOK! She told me I could call at 3am, because she too knows what it feels like to be up at that hour wishing she had a baby to comfort. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to look into someone’s eyes that knew exactly how I felt. Thank you God for providing me with that. God most certainly is Great.By the time I got home I was completely exhausted and ready for bed. I really can’t get over how amazing God is and His timing is perfect. I didn’t hear Sarah’s tiny voice by mistake, I didn’t get a group leader who was going to make us talk by accident. God loves me and is working in my heart and life at all times. I hope that I can continue to be open to what He has for me.
P.S. I took my sister's advice and wrote my bog in a document so I wouldn't lose it!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Doctor Dudley came in 25 min later and said lets check it out. As I had guessed, there was no baby. So there I laid in the uncomfortable position that I have found myself so many times before, staring blankly at the screen pretending I care what he was saying. All I could hear was,"I don't see a baby in here". It looks like I just ovulated late and I should have a period one of these days. He said it is a fluke thing that rarely ever happens but yes it would happen to me. They still drew my blood to see where all my levels were and they are even going to try and bill the insurance and see if they pay since it technically wasn't an infertility appointment.
So there we went out the door into the elevator we have taken too many times in silent, both not knowing what to say to each other. All I want to say is that I am sorry and all he wants to say is Trust God with all your heart. We walked to our cars, kissed quickly and went our separate ways to work. Shortly after I texted him that I was so sorry my body sucks so bad and that I want to give him a baby more then anything in the world. He wrote back,"Honey I know you do. It will happen." So while I sit here with tears coming down my face, I have to continue to believe that God is in complete control and He weeps with me when I am sad.
While I can say I believe that we will have a baby someday and that my focus is on what Go wants from me today, it is still hard. I still cry. My heart still breaks. Please God hold my heart during these times.
Thank you for all your prayers. We are packing up and heading to Texas tomorrow morning to visit friends. I knew going into it that they were pregnant, and she just found out yesterday she is having a boy, but this situation makes it harder. So I am asking for prayers that I will not feel jealously towards her and that we can celebrate in the gift that God has chosen to give them!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Church last night was amazing, especially right after worship. Pastor roger talked about those that are victorious in their lives, they want it more and they want it longer. I believe that is Steven and I to the T! I felt something, I felt the peace come over me, as if god was telling me that He will show me something special for those that want it longer and more. But at the same time I feel at peace with the fact that there is a really good Chance i am not pregnant. I know I will be more sad this month than I have been the last few months but I feel at peace with it.
It is so hard to not start thinking about all the different ways that I would love to tell Steven that he is FINALLY going to be a dad, but I have been praying that my mind not go there. I have been praying that god will direct my mind to other things that would benefit His will in my life and how i can help others life. It is very dangerous to start obsessing over your own life and the circumstances that come with it, I know this first hand because I spent the last 3 years doing it. What a change in how you feel when you don't focus only on your self.
Well its gonna be a looooooooooooooooooooong night. I plan on taking a pregnancy test in the morning if I haven't started by the morning.
What I do know it that God is good and Faithful regardless of the outcome this month. Please God protect my heart. So all I can say is we will see...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Battles are not won on the basis of your strength or your enemy's size. You win or lose on the basis of your relationship with God~Tommy Tenney
Infertility and sorrow are my enemy's but my God is bigger and through Him my Sorrow has been turned to Joy and soon I will have a baby to fill our arms!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Well on to more interesting topics. Sunday was a fun filled day of seeing old friends and enjoying time together. We got up and went to church, Becki and Jake came to visit. After Church we headed for the children's building which I told people seemed like Disneyland even though I had never been in but I had seen the video they took of it. Well i was right!!!! Imagine walking into
Indiana Jones "the ride" but with brighter colors. They have this huge jungle gym thingy like chucky cheese has that all the kids seemed to love. The walls are covered with murals and many interesting things for the kids to look at, and when I say kids I mean me!!!
Becki and Jake picked the boys up and then we ran into one of Steven's cousins Sam and Rutchie who have two kids. It was there first time visiting the church and they seemed very excited about it. That is what I love about our church....it is overflowing with passion and excitement for God. It is a big church but you just have to work to get to know people. I stood there talking with Rutchie and Becki and the guys just trying to imagine being in there with our own kids. I imagined Steven watching the little ones slide down the slide and go through the tubes. The best part about it, was that I COULD imagine it. There were moments that my heart would begin to
ache but then I would refocus on the Faith that I have with God.
After Church we headed to see the puppy that Erin and Aaron have picked out! There were 11 little puppies only 2 1/2 weeks old...sooooooo cute but I soooooo don't need another dog:)
After that we headed over to Rachel and Nathan's for an early dinner since Steven had to be up at 2am. The 4 of us had not spent time altogether for roughly 5 years. It was a little awkward at first at least for me but we soon were talking as if no time had gone by. It's funny because I imagined that both of them would have changed in some way...turns out they are exactly the same which is great to see. We had a wonderful time just talking and eating. Unfortunately it was 85 degrees in the house...no one has ac not even us! I felt so bad because Rachel is 6 months pregnant. Poor thing.
Well that wraps up our Sunday! Now back to normal life...work, work, work and sleep!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
No makeup but that is how it flys while camping!
Such a pretty baby!Swimming with the ducks...that mommy suck was ticked off:)Man I don't like this picture because I look like I'm 10, kayla and Alex mixed but I had to show you that for some reason this summer I stated getting freckles and ALOT of them.
Concentrating really hard to finally beat Steven at Rummy.Steven's evil look before he went all out and left me with too many points to count, but I did when this round:)
Sweet old Bailey!My man and Lake ChelanThis turned into...this...my favorite picture ever of us!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Fall...I love when the leaves change colors
Spring is here!
Monday, June 22, 2009
I did just get back from New York and will post pictures once I have them on my computer. I had a wonderful time. Now that I am back I will be focusing on eating well, exercising and losing this added weight from my overeating and fertility drugs. I suppose I should be working but I just don't feel like it. UGH!!!!!!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I still cry at everything but I am trying to pull myself out of this a little everyday. Who would have thought trying to have a baby would ever be like this. I just wish and pray my heart stops breaking soon.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
This is what the house looked like for 2 weeks! Shocking I didn't get pregnant that month!
I love Ducks, it is kind of a new thing for me.
I just love the colors in this picture!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Please God help me to continue to be patient. Open my eyes and ears to all that you have for me. Help me to continue to grow into the women you want me to be. Thank you for the many blessings you have given me already. You truly are an amazing God.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Our big girls being very naughty!
Like I said before I just finished my 3rd IUI and I am patiently waiting to find out if that will be my last IUI for now. Oddly I feel as peace with the outcome either way. While I will be sad if it is another negative, I just know that God knows the desires of my heart and wants nothing more than for me to be a mom. As I said before, Steven has such amzing faith. He feels so good about this cycle and thinks it could really be our month. I on the other hand am just trying to stay hopeful everyday. I want nothing more than to me a mom and raise children that love the Lord but I want more to be able to give Steven Children. It kills me every month to have to tell him that once again he won't be a dad. But this month I feel okay. It may becasue I have so much going on right now to keep my mind occupied but I think it is because I trust that the Lord hears my cries. My brother bought me a set of pastoral videos for Christmas and we watched one together. The pastor talked about how the Lord hurts when we hurt, but He loves the intimate time we spend with him when we are at our lowest. It doesn't get more intimate than falling on your knees and begging God to take away your pain. I hope that the closeness I feel with the Lord does not dissapear once my desires are met. I promise God that I will be the best mom I can be and live everyday to gloirfy Him. I believe that the Lord will bless us with a family and if it is not this month than we will be okay with it and move onto the next month. I have never felt stronger in my life and it is only because I finally fully trust the Lord!
Well I shouldn't even be taking the time right now to write this because of this wonderful audit we have going on right now. Oh and I forgot to mention that our front and back yard were completly submerged in water and at about 11:45pm last night we had to shut offour heat because we had water coming through the vents on the floor. Yep no stress going on in my life right now. But to be honest I don't feel stressed. There are times where I feel a little overwhelmed but I feel okay. I can only do what I can do. I am trying very hard to not read into any symptoms I may be having. I am not going to be specific but I do feel different this month. It could just be becasue the doctor had me on different medication and a different protocol. Either way I will be okay. Well Hopefully I stay this positive by next week. I shouldn't test until Saturday and I am not going to test as early as I did last cycle but I may only make it to Friday:) Who knows! Off to work more!!!!
Thank you Lord for holding my heart!
Well I just had my 3rd IUI and I am praying that it worked. I am blessed to have a husband that has so much faith and his faith is never shook. I oddly feel great right now. UGH I can't even do this right now, I can't believe I lost my post.