Sunday, December 21, 2008


Well it was another month of hope and heartache. I did the stupid thing and I tested early and found our 3 days early that I wasn't pregnant. I can at least say that at least I knew but then I spent the following days waiting. This was a hard month for me because I thought I was pregnant. All my normal symptoms I usually feel were not there and I thought this was our month. I had a huge follicle on my good side and I don't even have to talk about Steven's stuff because it is always good....and still no baby. It is so hard to not get discouraged. I am not sure why this is happening. I am doing everything I can to put all my energy into enjoying Christmas,but today had been really hard. I think it get worse when i am home all day by myself. I have worked out twice today to try and distract myself but I still find myself crying. I thought this was my month, I thought this was my year and still nothing.

Well that being said I am off to another cycle. I start my new medication tomorrow. I call these my crazy pills. I have taken them once before but at a lower dose. I was crazy on the lower dose so I can't even imagine what I will be like on the higher dose. No matter what the side effects are, I am praying for many follicles. Heads up: this is the same medication Jon and Kate +8 were on with both sets of multiples. So it does work I just hope it works for us. My IUI will probably be on the 3rd or the 4th. Oh Lord please let this work for us.

Lord, please help us get through Christmas without too many heartaches. Please help me focus on other people. Thank you for all the blessings in my life. Thank you for holding my heart during this crushing blow. Continue to be with us and guide us through this trying time in our lives. Help us to learn all that you want us to from these experiences. Thank you for such and amazing husband. Help this medication to not kill me or for me to kill anyone else:) I love you Lord!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Going Crazy

Well its Monday and I am starting to lose it. I want more than anything for this to be our month. I am so scared to get another negative. In the past my brain has turned off certain symptoms of AF and then I think I could be pregnant...just to be crushed once again. I am so afraid that this is one of those months. I know I will get over it and move on but my heart may not be able to get over it in time to enjoy Christmas. I think about it all the time. I can't even make a list out for Steven of what to get me for Christmas. All I want to put on it is that I want a baby!!! He can't go out and buy me a baby, even though we are paying doctors to help! I find myself unable to concentrate on anything else other than if I am pregnant. Please God Please let this be our month. My delima is when to test. I can't decided if it is better to test with Steven tomorrow or to wait until my AF date which is Thursday. Some say it is better to know sooner so you can get on with your next cycle if it is another negative. I will need some extra time to grieve before Christmas but I don't know if I want to see a negative early, I like having hope. I don't know if I want to wait until Steven is not here so if it is another negative than I can be sad alone for a while, but if I wait and it is positive than I will want him to be here. Then comes the thought of a positive. I am at the point in my cycle where I start dreaming of different ways I will tell people. I have thought of every way possible. I can't wait for the day that I will be able to tell everyone, that we are finally Pregnant! I hate thinking of different ways because it makes the pain of not being able to tell people that much harder. Please God Please let me be pregnant.

Please let this be our month. Please let me carry a child and bring him/her up to glorify you. Please hear our cries and give us a baby to hold in our empty arms. Lord if this is not our month we will still believe in your love and will continue to believe that one day we both will be parents. Lord please hold our hearts and soften the blow if it is another negative. If this is not our month, help me to find a way to enjoy Christmas. But please God Please let this be our month.

Friday, December 12, 2008

1 week left!

The last couple days haven't been easy. Two days ago I was an emotional wreck! I cried almost all day and didn't want to be around anyone, and no one wanted to be around me. The next day I completely useless and today just blah!!! I am trying so hard not to think about every crampy thing or sore boob or anything that could be a symptom either way. I have wanted a baby for so long. I have wanted a baby to hold in our empty arms. This is our third Christmas trying and I am just so scared that it will be another negative. I am ready now. I am continuing to believe and trust in the Lord. I just wish that it wants so close to Christmas. I want to be able to have a great Christmas but I just don't know how I will feel if it is another Christmas with no baby. Oh Lord her my cry for a baby. Please be with both Steven and I am hold our hearts for the next week. Please, Please let me be pregnant.

Tomorrow is our annual Hopper Shopper Day! That is when Erin, Nicole, Vickie and some of the kids go shopping. I told myself last year, while in the many children's shops, that I couldn't handle one more Hopper Shopper day with out being pregnant and look at me now. I have thought about not going, oh have I ever thought about that. Erin will be bringing Gracie and Joshua. I love Erin and her kids but she will probably be wearing her baby with the sleepy wrap I got her and it will tear my heart in half thinking about how badly I wish I was wearing a baby. And then there is Nicole who is pregnant. I wish I was sick with morning sickness. I wish I was having to wear maternity clothes. I try so hard not to be jealous but they have what I want so much! Through all of this I have decided I am going to go. I am not sure if I am going for Erin sake or Steven's. When you go through infertility you tend you isolate yourself from others and I need to salvage what little I have left. I am praying the day goes by quickly. Oh and I also hope I can find something to where that I don't feel fat in. I gain about 5 pounds every month I am on these fertility treatments. I wish I was gaining weight because of a baby. Lord give me strength for tomorrow.

Well I should try to work:)

Monday, December 8, 2008

Come on Christmas Baby

Well I am only 4 days past ovulation and I am already having a hard time staying positive. We did our second IUI this month, with 5mg of Femara. I guess it is just so hard because we want to fill our empty arms so bad. We have been doing a lot more praying this month. We pray everyday but this month we are praying out loud more often. I made a big step this month by letting Steven touch my stomach while praying. Before I didn't want anyone touching my stomach since I wasn't pregnant. I have been extra emotional this month. I cry at almost anything. We were watching a movie together a couple nights ago and I started crying. Steven held me in his arms and told me everything will be alright, and then prayed for me. He has faith beyond anyone you could ever imagine. This month is the first month that he actually said that he believes this will be our month. I want so badly to give him a baby. I have a support group online that was really helpful at first but now it is just another place that I have to try to be happy for people that end up pregnant. I do feel happy for them at first but it is so hard to hear about their u/s and see pictures of their growing bellies. I think I am losing it early in this 2ww. It doesn't help that I am really sick from all the hormone medication they have me on. I am trying not to complain because it could result in us being pregnant, but it could also end in us very disappointed. Is there such thing as being optimistically hopeful? I am trying to get into the Holiday spirit but all I can think about is whether or not I am pregnant. Infertility takes over your life. I should have started blogging a couple years ago when I wasn't so crazy:) I need to get focused and clean the house and iron clothes!!!