Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Most of the time I do fine but there are moments where I fear my desires will never be met. God is in control, I have no doubt about that but the pain is so thick sometimes I can't breathe. I cried 3 times during our date night dinner and Steven was so gracious and just kept telling me, "its okay baby" not "quit crying in public you re embarrassing me" although I wouldn't blame him for saying that. I fear writing down my thoughts because I don't want to be judged for not being strong. When I tell people I fully believe God will heal me then it almost seems implied by them that I shouldn't worry or get upset when it doesn't happen. Well I am human. I fear writing down how I feel because I am afraid I will not get a baby until I fully trust the Lord, well news flash he can read my mind and thoughts and already knew I was going to have them. I must stop trying to earn Grace from God. It is free for those who love him. And I so very much love the Lord. So I give up trying to earn it. God knows my heart. God knows that when I see a pregnant person my heart aches, that when I see another stupid "we are pregnant commercial" I get annoyed, that when I see someone uninterested in taking care of their baby that my body aches to hold that child. God knows and he still loves me and gives me Grace and Mercy. God knows that I can't sleep the night before I am going to take a pregnancy test. God knows every time I cry before it even happens. Sometimes I feel so alone in this battle of infertility and then God gently reminds me he is right there with me wanting to walk with me through the pain. God already knows that I will be begging again in about an hour for a baby and to be pregnant soon! I am so thankful for a God that already knows all of these things. Thank you heavenly Father. Today I will own the Grace God has already given me freely.