:(

Overwhelemed with saddness right now. Nothin in particular really other than another failed cycle but this month seems to be a hard one. Each month tends to get harder,how is that possible? Im not sure. And why oh why can't it just be a negative,nope I have to have horrible cramps and be over emotional.I am still believing that we will be pregnant by februsary but right now crying seems to be the only thing that helps.

The Path

The Path that God has for Me has nothing to do with the path He has for anyone else...my friend! Soon I will be able to name my friend but until she comes out with her special surprise I will keep it as my special friend. She has so much to offer everyone and especially me!!! She told me the above statement and it has made me look at others so diferently. There is nothing I hate more then feeling jealous of someone. I want to be completly happy for people when great things happen without any reservations. When I back up fromthe situation and remind myself that the gifts and blessing God has put in someones life does not effect what blessing and gifts God is going to bring in my life. While I am still working on my jealousy it is getting better. I do feel as though I am growing! I have begun telling people that I will be Pregnant soon! Not only say it but believe it as well. 9 ”So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened Luke 11:9-10. I will continue to ask and receive my gift of being a parent. For tonight I want to remind all of the blessing God has already given me....at least the ones I have time to write down:

Eternal Life
A fantastic Husband
House
Food
Friends
The relationship with my sister I have been longing for
Supportive friends and family
Health that is improving
Hope
Faith
Love
laughter
Humor
Joy
and many many more things! Thank you Jesus!

Having faith in the midst of doubt

Change of plans, I decided to post this anyways. To my sister who I love so much I truly hope this doesn't take any of your joy from you and know that when I am happy for you I really am. I envy you in a good way and hope one day to be a great mom just like you. I love you.

I have no problem talking about my infertility and actually find it easier that people know but I would never want someone else to not be happy for the sake of me and that is why I am continuing to write here instead of on my blog.

I have hope I really do. I believe I will be pregnant soon but there are moments where I can't take it. How is it that after 4+ years it is still all I think about? I don't want to say why me or when will it be my turn but I do think those thoughts in my head. My sister had her baby at 4:14am this morning and I am so happy for her. She updated her FB status saying how she is falling in love and I want nothing more than to be falling in love with my baby. I know it will happen, I know it will.

My heart is just hurting right now and I feel like there is no one to tell because I am suppose to have faith. But a close friend of mine, right before she told me she was pregnant(not my friend who just found out two days ago...yes there are a lot of pregnant people around me right now) told me that doubt is not the absence of faith and to not feel defeated when I have doubt. I always feel that when I have doubt then that is why I am not getting pregnant because I do not 100% trust and have faith in God that He will perform a miracle but when my friend told me that it changed my whole outlook, and significantly changed my life(not to be too dramatic)! Thank you friend (no name for now;)) for sharing this with me. I will never forget it!!!

I will continue to be hopeful and faithful that our turn is soon and that these moments that hurt so bad will pass quickly and I can enjoy the excitement with my friends and family.

February, February by then I will be pregnant.