Having faith in the midst of doubt

Change of plans, I decided to post this anyways. To my sister who I love so much I truly hope this doesn't take any of your joy from you and know that when I am happy for you I really am. I envy you in a good way and hope one day to be a great mom just like you. I love you.

I have no problem talking about my infertility and actually find it easier that people know but I would never want someone else to not be happy for the sake of me and that is why I am continuing to write here instead of on my blog.

I have hope I really do. I believe I will be pregnant soon but there are moments where I can't take it. How is it that after 4+ years it is still all I think about? I don't want to say why me or when will it be my turn but I do think those thoughts in my head. My sister had her baby at 4:14am this morning and I am so happy for her. She updated her FB status saying how she is falling in love and I want nothing more than to be falling in love with my baby. I know it will happen, I know it will.

My heart is just hurting right now and I feel like there is no one to tell because I am suppose to have faith. But a close friend of mine, right before she told me she was pregnant(not my friend who just found out two days ago...yes there are a lot of pregnant people around me right now) told me that doubt is not the absence of faith and to not feel defeated when I have doubt. I always feel that when I have doubt then that is why I am not getting pregnant because I do not 100% trust and have faith in God that He will perform a miracle but when my friend told me that it changed my whole outlook, and significantly changed my life(not to be too dramatic)! Thank you friend (no name for now;)) for sharing this with me. I will never forget it!!!

I will continue to be hopeful and faithful that our turn is soon and that these moments that hurt so bad will pass quickly and I can enjoy the excitement with my friends and family.

February, February by then I will be pregnant.