Walking in Faith

For about 1 year I have been feeling a nudge by the Lord to reach out to others suffering with infertility. Everytime I thought about doing it, I assummed as soon as I did I would then get pregnant and wouldn't be able to fulfill my support. I know longer am letting that hold me back. I may get pregnant right after starting a support group but my knoweldge and experience will not change. I still have many doubts that linger in which I know are from the devil:
Will anyone take you serious being so young?
Have you suffered long enough to help others?
Will you have the right words to say?
Will anyone show up?

I am choosing to push these aside and mover forward. I am attending our New Leaders Orientation on April 17th and the church and I also emailed RESOLVE which is the national infertility support group and asked for the information to start a group in my area. Praying that the Lord will pave the path for me.

Still beleiving everday for a miracle baby. God is so good and He truly knows my hearts desire and I know that desire will be fulfilled in the right time.

Expectations.

By far the hardest thing for me to do is let go of what my expectations for my life were and instead let God makes my plans. If you would have told me that I would be 27 and married for 8 years without children I would have laughed at you. I do realize I am not 27 and also have not been married 8 years yet but I will be both of those without a baby to hold. CRAZY! How do you let go of plans that you have had for yourself for so long? How do I let go and let God instead? I can't quite explain the pain and devastation I feel right now but no one could understand without feeling it first hand. So I won't even try to explain.

Father, take my plans, take my expectations and take my whole heart. Psalm 28:7 says, The lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst in songs of thanksgiving.

The Lord is my strength when my pain feels to much for me, and my shield from others who should just choose not to say anything at all:) and I do trust Him with my whole heart. I will soon be singing songs of thanksgiving once my heart stops breaking, which it will!

I lay all of this at your feet Father! Take my pain from me. Fill me back up with Hope of your promise!

so grateful.....

For my beautiful sister. As I sit at work crying(yup super professional) and texting my sister she sent me the best thing:

"my heart breaks for you! Don't lose your faith, cling to it. Beg and Plead with the Lord, and remain true to your love for Him. Hope will come...."

How could I ask for anything else? I am so grateful for a sister who loves me, and cares about how I feel. Thank you Mary for always being there. I love you!

Again

Another month....no baby

There have only been a a handful of times I actually thought I was pregnant, this month being one of them. Complete devistation.

Coping?

Most of the time I do fine but there are moments where I fear my desires will never be met. God is in control, I have no doubt about that but the pain is so thick sometimes I can't breathe. I cried 3 times during our date night dinner and Steven was so gracious and just kept telling me, "its okay baby" not "quit crying in public you re embarrassing me" although I wouldn't blame him for saying that. I fear writing down my thoughts because I don't want to be judged for not being strong. When I tell people I fully believe God will heal me then it almost seems implied by them that I shouldn't worry or get upset when it doesn't happen. Well I am human. I fear writing down how I feel because I am afraid I will not get a baby until I fully trust the Lord, well news flash he can read my mind and thoughts and already knew I was going to have them. I must stop trying to earn Grace from God. It is free for those who love him. And I so very much love the Lord. So I give up trying to earn it. God knows my heart. God knows that when I see a pregnant person my heart aches, that when I see another stupid "we are pregnant commercial" I get annoyed, that when I see someone uninterested in taking care of their baby that my body aches to hold that child. God knows and he still loves me and gives me Grace and Mercy. God knows that I can't sleep the night before I am going to take a pregnancy test. God knows every time I cry before it even happens. Sometimes I feel so alone in this battle of infertility and then God gently reminds me he is right there with me wanting to walk with me through the pain. God already knows that I will be begging again in about an hour for a baby and to be pregnant soon! I am so thankful for a God that already knows all of these things. Thank you heavenly Father. Today I will own the Grace God has already given me freely.

Today is better, although today I started my period it seems to be eaiser then the negative test. I am so thankful for accurate pregnancy tests. I have taken over 70 pregnancy tests and have never had a false positive. Thank you Jesus for protecting me. So my eyes are back on the Lord and trusting in His perfect timing. Mark 11:24- "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. What God does not promise is that He will give us what we pray for when WE want it. What I do know is that I will continue to pray and ask for my hearts desire. I believe in healing and I know God will give us our baby! Jesus thank you for being patient with me even when I feel bad for myself. Thank you for never changing, thank you for your Grace and Mercy.

Trying to process how I feel today...You would think after all this time I wouldn't be so upset to get a negative pregnancy test but I swear it only gets harder, the only difference is the time it takes to cast my eyes back on the Lord. i feel as though it is harder now that I believe without a doubt that God can heal me, because I feel that He is just choosing not to heal me as though there is something I am doing wrong.But as my sister reminded me, he may not be saying no but Not Yet.

Lord I am begging for a Miracle, you are the Healer, heal my body. My heart is crying out.

Praying my heart will not hurt as bad when I wake.