Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Not what we were hoping for...

Well not the news we were Hoping and Praying for but the plan that God has for us. Steven seems so excited this morning and I prayed that is heart would be spared. He is by far one of the most faithful men I have ever meant. We got to the doctors 30 min early and were brought in early. So we sat there hand in hand while Steven prayed with me. He asked that this would be our time but if it isn't His will then we will wait. I feel so lucky to have him.

Doctor Dudley came in 25 min later and said lets check it out. As I had guessed, there was no baby. So there I laid in the uncomfortable position that I have found myself so many times before, staring blankly at the screen pretending I care what he was saying. All I could hear was,"I don't see a baby in here". It looks like I just ovulated late and I should have a period one of these days. He said it is a fluke thing that rarely ever happens but yes it would happen to me. They still drew my blood to see where all my levels were and they are even going to try and bill the insurance and see if they pay since it technically wasn't an infertility appointment.

So there we went out the door into the elevator we have taken too many times in silent, both not knowing what to say to each other. All I want to say is that I am sorry and all he wants to say is Trust God with all your heart. We walked to our cars, kissed quickly and went our separate ways to work. Shortly after I texted him that I was so sorry my body sucks so bad and that I want to give him a baby more then anything in the world. He wrote back,"Honey I know you do. It will happen." So while I sit here with tears coming down my face, I have to continue to believe that God is in complete control and He weeps with me when I am sad.

While I can say I believe that we will have a baby someday and that my focus is on what Go wants from me today, it is still hard. I still cry. My heart still breaks. Please God hold my heart during these times.

Thank you for all your prayers. We are packing up and heading to Texas tomorrow morning to visit friends. I knew going into it that they were pregnant, and she just found out yesterday she is having a boy, but this situation makes it harder. So I am asking for prayers that I will not feel jealously towards her and that we can celebrate in the gift that God has chosen to give them!

1 comment:

sothisislife said...

Still thinking and praying with you! Love you! I know this must be hard, I pray you keep finding Joy as you walk with God through this journey.