Ugh....

Feeling sad today. Mother's Day is coming up and I just can't begin to explain how painful that day is. How could it be my 5Th Mother's day with no baby. Although it is possible for me to be pregnant right now but to be honest it feels like every other cycle so I am doubtful. What if's are so hard to deal with. Is there a point to even writing them down? probably not. Not sure why I feel so sensitive today but I do. Plain and simple. So that means pray for Steven....:)

April adventures

We are in our new house finally. We have all of our stuff here but everything isn't quite put away;) I feel so blessed to have this home and can't wait to see what God has planned for us living out in this area. It does feel a bit odd to be in house this big with only the two of us. I have put nothing in the bedroom next to the master because I am saving that for a nursery. I need to be diligent in praying over that room when I walk by it. i told Steven I felt weird having all this space with only us, which he replied, "well I plan on filling this house with lots of children, I don't know about you"! His faith shouldn't surprise me but it sure refreshes my hope!

Our best friends are having their baby in less then a month and I honestly couldn't be more excited. God has protected my so much with this situation. I still have moments of sadness when I see her cute belly or Steven wants to feel the baby move but I have so much love for that baby already. Thank you Jesus for your Grace during this time. continue to be beside me and hold my heart when it begins to break.

Being hopeful that this could be our month. Praying we will be decorating that nursery very soon! Lord heal me and allow me to carry a baby. I am on my knees begging for a miracle only because I know you can heal!

Well off to bed. I have an Easter meeting tomorrow to get ready for our 20,000 egg hunt for the community! Love serving others for God's glory.

Love to all of you!

PS just hit spellcheck and I had no misspelling....that's unheard of for me!

Continuing to press forward

This cycle has been relatively easy. I was upset as usual but I feel with God's strength I am able to move quickly through the sadness. A huge thank you to all who continue to pray for us. I think once we are in our new house and things calm down we will be able to re-group and decide what to do next. When we fasted last we focused on asking God to work a miracle, while I still am believing for that I feel like we need to come to God with an open mind to any and all avenues to become parents. I talked a little to Steven about this yesterday only because he is already wanting to purchase next years ski passes and I am a little up in the air about what to do. He is so sweet though, he told me yesterday that he loves his life with me and could truly be happy with just us forever. I love him for saying that but wish I could say the same. Does that mean I love him less? I hope not. So he said that we should talk once we are in the house about whether or not we should fast again or what have you. So that's the update on that.

Onto something a little more exciting, our house should be done soon! We have been furniture shopping like crazy or should I say furniture looking.....furniture shopping has turned into how I feel about car and tv shopping, VERY MUCH DISLIKE IT! You go into the stores and they surround you with people that want to help and make money, so they follow you around like a puppy. So far, we have bought new dishes from Ikea and a painting of our ski resort.....hmmmm we have to get serious! Oh and I did pick this pillow up, I love love it!


xoxo

April tears bring May cheers....hopefully

First month that I thought I was pregnant but didn't tell anyone. Steven hadn't even asked if I was getting close to knowing. I was suppose to start yesterday but didn't and I managed to not even test but I am having a little girls night tonight and would like a glass of wine so I tested and sure enough it was negative. I can't even tell you how long I stare at the test....am I even looking in the right place for a second line? My eyes tricked me this morning, like an awful April fools joke and I could have sworn I saw a second line, but looked for another 20 min and sure enough nothing. I heart actually was in my throat when I thought I saw it and then quickly dropped when I realized once again I was seeing things. Why must it be negative yet I am late? Why, why so cruel? I know I'm not pregnant so why can't my cycle just be normal and start so I can get on with another month? I swear my mind can stop my cycle, that is mostly why I test. It seems once I see the negative my body relaxes and then I start. Please Lord make this come quickly, don't let this drag on. This is exactly why I need a support group. While my friends are great and so supportive(thank you Becki) they can't really understand the pain. Is this misery wanting company or just pain needing an outlet? Lord let my heart be set on only you. Take this pain, use it for something great.

So I just checked my email and RESOLVE emailed back so I will have that to look into. And on a happier note because the blog can be sooooo depressing: I now have a kitchen...and we are very close to moving in! Here is a picture but kind of blurry..




Praying to make it through the day without completely losing it.