Friday, April 1, 2011

April tears bring May cheers....hopefully

First month that I thought I was pregnant but didn't tell anyone. Steven hadn't even asked if I was getting close to knowing. I was suppose to start yesterday but didn't and I managed to not even test but I am having a little girls night tonight and would like a glass of wine so I tested and sure enough it was negative. I can't even tell you how long I stare at the I even looking in the right place for a second line? My eyes tricked me this morning, like an awful April fools joke and I could have sworn I saw a second line, but looked for another 20 min and sure enough nothing. I heart actually was in my throat when I thought I saw it and then quickly dropped when I realized once again I was seeing things. Why must it be negative yet I am late? Why, why so cruel? I know I'm not pregnant so why can't my cycle just be normal and start so I can get on with another month? I swear my mind can stop my cycle, that is mostly why I test. It seems once I see the negative my body relaxes and then I start. Please Lord make this come quickly, don't let this drag on. This is exactly why I need a support group. While my friends are great and so supportive(thank you Becki) they can't really understand the pain. Is this misery wanting company or just pain needing an outlet? Lord let my heart be set on only you. Take this pain, use it for something great.

So I just checked my email and RESOLVE emailed back so I will have that to look into. And on a happier note because the blog can be sooooo depressing: I now have a kitchen...and we are very close to moving in! Here is a picture but kind of blurry..

Praying to make it through the day without completely losing it.


Serena said...

Praying for you, dear one. You are so wonderful.

Becki said...

oh ash, i don't know how i missed this post. i'm so sorry you had to go through that...again!

matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.

i hope you find that comfort in Him.