Having faith in the midst of doubt

Change of plans, I decided to post this anyways. To my sister who I love so much I truly hope this doesn't take any of your joy from you and know that when I am happy for you I really am. I envy you in a good way and hope one day to be a great mom just like you. I love you.

I have no problem talking about my infertility and actually find it easier that people know but I would never want someone else to not be happy for the sake of me and that is why I am continuing to write here instead of on my blog.

I have hope I really do. I believe I will be pregnant soon but there are moments where I can't take it. How is it that after 4+ years it is still all I think about? I don't want to say why me or when will it be my turn but I do think those thoughts in my head. My sister had her baby at 4:14am this morning and I am so happy for her. She updated her FB status saying how she is falling in love and I want nothing more than to be falling in love with my baby. I know it will happen, I know it will.

My heart is just hurting right now and I feel like there is no one to tell because I am suppose to have faith. But a close friend of mine, right before she told me she was pregnant(not my friend who just found out two days ago...yes there are a lot of pregnant people around me right now) told me that doubt is not the absence of faith and to not feel defeated when I have doubt. I always feel that when I have doubt then that is why I am not getting pregnant because I do not 100% trust and have faith in God that He will perform a miracle but when my friend told me that it changed my whole outlook, and significantly changed my life(not to be too dramatic)! Thank you friend (no name for now;)) for sharing this with me. I will never forget it!!!

I will continue to be hopeful and faithful that our turn is soon and that these moments that hurt so bad will pass quickly and I can enjoy the excitement with my friends and family.

February, February by then I will be pregnant.

Surprise!

No I'm not pregnant but I did pull off a surprise that will go down in history for me, mostly because I don't know if I could pull it off again:). I had wanted to badly to go and be with my sister for her baby party as she was calling it but thought it would be more fun to make it into something even bigger. I called Sam and the plan began to grow(insert the plan laugh). He was truly so helpful in helping with pulling off the event! I still don't know how I pulled it off without her knowing at all. I woke up Monday morning so excited and a little worried for the flight and the possibility that Mary had already found out, but I boarded the plane and off I was. Sam picked me up and we obviously had to stop by In-n-Out to celebrate in pulling off the EVENT! Sam dropped me off two houses before theirs and I waited as he went in. After a couple mins went by I walked up the driveway worried she would see me but I made it! I was so excited to knock on the door and surprise her. she had texted me earlier asking why I wasn't there so she could nap, so as soon as she opened the door I asked if she needed a nap! She looked really shocked...I was slightly concerned with putting her into early labor but no such luck;) It was so good to see her and be the reason for her happiness! For those of you who have sisters that live far away you can probably relate with the excitement we both felt to see each other.

My sister is amazing. Spending the next few days with her was eye opening. She is a dedicated mother, a loving wife and a committed sister. I tear up just thinking of all the work she goes through everyday and continues through it with a cheerful spirit. If you didn't know this, she is BUSY!!!!!!!!! From the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed she is always "on". She gets up, cleans, feeds the kids, home schools Campbell and a little with Mason, does laundry, waters the garden, diapers, potty training, nap time, cleaning, lunch, nap time, diapers, potty training, verse memorizing, play time, dinner, bath time, bedtime. Through all of this she is always disciplining(which is so hard to be consistent with when you are EXHAUSTED!!!!). The other thing I noticed is that no matter what she was doing, if one of them wanted a book read or a moment of their time, there she was on the floor reading or kneeling down to hear what they had to say. The dedication in this woman is unbelievable. She truly loves the Lord and wants to raise her children the way He has instructed us to do. So you may be wondering when she takes a shower or goes to the bathroom, that's a great question...she does all of that very quickly! She is so selfless. So if you are wondering why you don't hear from her or think she is ignoring you, its because her family comes first in her life right now. She is so inspirational. She makes me want children that much more.

Mary~ I love you. I love how much you love your family. Thank you for always being a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for thinking of me even when your busy. Thank you for being my sister and friend. I would give anything to live closer to you. I miss you so much it hurts.

Oh and if you didn't pick up on it...I love my sister!

Can't wait to see her again and meet the new addition to the family!

Hope

I can feel the hope at my fingertips! I still have moments of pure heartache where breathing feels unbearable but then I have my longer moments where I know God remembers me and knows what my heart desires. I wish I could feel that always. I went to the Lake with my sister and brother-in law yesterday and had a blast except once again something was missing. We had 3 wonderful children on board and there was an emptiness lingering in my heart. I wanted our child to be swimming in the lake, going of the rope swing, asking for a snack but as always I am just Aunt Ashley. I do love being an Aunt, I really do. Steven and I will be married 7 years in less than a month and I am praying for a miracle to happen this year.

Blue

Feeling blue....my heart aches everyday but today it just seems that it won't stop. Things have been going pretty well lately but I just feel down. Thinking of waiting another year can be very hard to swallow and today I can't handle the thought of it. The good news is that tomorrow will most likely be a better day for me. I have now been on my support site for so long that some of the women who had been trying have already had their babies and are now back trying again and here I am still on Pause. Lord please push play, I'm begging you. I don't know how many more Father's days I can endure. I feel such guilt not being able to give Steven a baby. A lady congratulated me yesterday on the Good News...of which I was super confused of, turns out the poor thing confused me with my sister:) I was sad but felt worse for the lady because I know she felt just awful. I am praying for a better rest of the day and possible a better day tomorrow.

Back again!

Well here I go again, trying to blog. I have been having a really hard time lately dealing with our infertiltiy but at the same time I am trying to put my focus on other things. We recently moved which until we did I didn't realize how depressed I really was in Eatonville. I had a place to sleep and wonderful company but I was not happy. I didn't want to cook, bake, clean, knit, blog or do really anything. Now my eyes have been reopened to what I really love again.

I recently discovered my love for not only baking but cooking too! I have been trying out all sorts of recipes(pictures and recipes to come) and enjoying learning all kinds of new things. I also realized how much better it is to live in a clean house....most of you know what I slob I am. I tend to clean right after I am done doing anything! I will say Steven is loving all the new changes, especially the clenaing part!

I am trying to find my passion in life. I am looking for where I belong and fit in right now. So lots of new stuff on this blog to come along with some of the old stuff, because no matter how busy I make my life, how many things I enjoy to do, my heart still aches everyday for a baby to hold.

Dreams

I am a big dreamer, I can almost always remember what i have drempt about the night before and last night was no exception. As I am sitting here watching the opening ceremonies from last night I can't help but feel a little empty. My dream last night was so vivid. I would do anything to be able to dream the same dream every night. i had a dream that I was pregnant. I must have been about 7 months pregnant. I could feel the baby move. Kecia was even in the dream coaching me. She of course told me at one time that she thought she "felt" twins....keep in mind that dreams can be very unrealistic. I went in and had an u/s and found out it was only one. UGH it sounds rediculous, but for a night I could feel and experience the joy. Then I woke up and realized reality is here and i still have so long to wait. At moments my heart hurts so bad that I can barley breathe but I have to remeber that we are making the best choice for our future. God please allow a miracle to happen, allow me to become pregnant this year.

Change once again.....

Here I am another year with more changes. Why does life not go the way to expected or planned….I wish I knew. About 2 weeks ago I started allowing myself to think about beginning IVF in April, I even joined the 2010 Mommies to be on my support site. And then a bombshell hit me. We starting punching numbers and realized real quickly that we are not ready financially yet to do IVF. How is that possible…well it cost $32,000. We have yet to tell really anyone about having to wait but I felt like I needed to write down how I am feeling. I am devastated, I am sad, I find myself crying over everything, but I do know this is the right way to do it. In order for me to not have to work full time or Steven to get a 3rd job, we need to finish paying off everything except our house and pay out of pocket for IVF. We are constructing a plan right now, but we are looking around March or April of next year to do IVF. That is another year of others having babies, children birthday parties and many more tears. But I know in my heart that this is the right way to do it. I am sure this year will be full of many fun things, that’s right we can have fun while saving and paying stuff off

I want this year to be different than any other year while we have been trying. I am going to be happy, I am going to enjoy my husband more, I am going to meet more people, I am going to be a better friend, I am going to be more creative, I am going to be more organized, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT again!!!

We will still be praying and getting prayed for. There is always a chance of a Miracle baby!!! It is hard to think I may not be a mom in 2010 but I need to okay with waiting. If we do IVF this year then you will know that either we won the Lottery or we grew a money TREE!!!

Ps for those that talk to my mother....we have not told the family yet so this is for you guys only.

Pps I may not always be this realistic with the fact that I am having to wait even longer so bare with me!

Here is to a fun filled 2010 and hope that this year will be full of Miracles!