Well here I go again, trying to blog. I have been having a really hard time lately dealing with our infertiltiy but at the same time I am trying to put my focus on other things. We recently moved which until we did I didn't realize how depressed I really was in Eatonville. I had a place to sleep and wonderful company but I was not happy. I didn't want to cook, bake, clean, knit, blog or do really anything. Now my eyes have been reopened to what I really love again.
I recently discovered my love for not only baking but cooking too! I have been trying out all sorts of recipes(pictures and recipes to come) and enjoying learning all kinds of new things. I also realized how much better it is to live in a clean house....most of you know what I slob I am. I tend to clean right after I am done doing anything! I will say Steven is loving all the new changes, especially the clenaing part!
I am trying to find my passion in life. I am looking for where I belong and fit in right now. So lots of new stuff on this blog to come along with some of the old stuff, because no matter how busy I make my life, how many things I enjoy to do, my heart still aches everyday for a baby to hold.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Dreams
I am a big dreamer, I can almost always remember what i have drempt about the night before and last night was no exception. As I am sitting here watching the opening ceremonies from last night I can't help but feel a little empty. My dream last night was so vivid. I would do anything to be able to dream the same dream every night. i had a dream that I was pregnant. I must have been about 7 months pregnant. I could feel the baby move. Kecia was even in the dream coaching me. She of course told me at one time that she thought she "felt" twins....keep in mind that dreams can be very unrealistic. I went in and had an u/s and found out it was only one. UGH it sounds rediculous, but for a night I could feel and experience the joy. Then I woke up and realized reality is here and i still have so long to wait. At moments my heart hurts so bad that I can barley breathe but I have to remeber that we are making the best choice for our future. God please allow a miracle to happen, allow me to become pregnant this year.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Change once again.....
Here I am another year with more changes. Why does life not go the way to expected or planned….I wish I knew. About 2 weeks ago I started allowing myself to think about beginning IVF in April, I even joined the 2010 Mommies to be on my support site. And then a bombshell hit me. We starting punching numbers and realized real quickly that we are not ready financially yet to do IVF. How is that possible…well it cost $32,000. We have yet to tell really anyone about having to wait but I felt like I needed to write down how I am feeling. I am devastated, I am sad, I find myself crying over everything, but I do know this is the right way to do it. In order for me to not have to work full time or Steven to get a 3rd job, we need to finish paying off everything except our house and pay out of pocket for IVF. We are constructing a plan right now, but we are looking around March or April of next year to do IVF. That is another year of others having babies, children birthday parties and many more tears. But I know in my heart that this is the right way to do it. I am sure this year will be full of many fun things, that’s right we can have fun while saving and paying stuff off
I want this year to be different than any other year while we have been trying. I am going to be happy, I am going to enjoy my husband more, I am going to meet more people, I am going to be a better friend, I am going to be more creative, I am going to be more organized, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT again!!!
We will still be praying and getting prayed for. There is always a chance of a Miracle baby!!! It is hard to think I may not be a mom in 2010 but I need to okay with waiting. If we do IVF this year then you will know that either we won the Lottery or we grew a money TREE!!!
Ps for those that talk to my mother....we have not told the family yet so this is for you guys only.
Pps I may not always be this realistic with the fact that I am having to wait even longer so bare with me!
Here is to a fun filled 2010 and hope that this year will be full of Miracles!
I want this year to be different than any other year while we have been trying. I am going to be happy, I am going to enjoy my husband more, I am going to meet more people, I am going to be a better friend, I am going to be more creative, I am going to be more organized, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT again!!!
We will still be praying and getting prayed for. There is always a chance of a Miracle baby!!! It is hard to think I may not be a mom in 2010 but I need to okay with waiting. If we do IVF this year then you will know that either we won the Lottery or we grew a money TREE!!!
Ps for those that talk to my mother....we have not told the family yet so this is for you guys only.
Pps I may not always be this realistic with the fact that I am having to wait even longer so bare with me!
Here is to a fun filled 2010 and hope that this year will be full of Miracles!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
His Timing is Perfect
God is great!
Last week was Bible Study which I love. Tessa is also doing the Bible Study which I am thrilled about, so I spent most of my day thinking of her since I knew she was nervous about it. We got there a little early and got seats next to each other. We always start in our small groups and then head to the sanctuary for the video. We are doing another Angela Thomas study who I absolutely love. She is so transparent in what she has gone through and that lady knows heart ache, let me tell you. The small group this year only has two people from my last two studies so I knew it was going to take some time to get to know people. The homework this week really touched me. It was about being transparent, not being fake, and allowing Godly women into your life to help you through the good and bad times. It talked about God being our comforter, and it talked about how God uses us the most when we are broken hearted. Through the grace God shows those of us in sorrow, others are able to see His love.
I had so many insightful things I wanted to share. I wanted the two women that have been with me through my toughest time to see that I have grown in strength and faith. Unfortunately when it came to me, I fell apart. I was tripping over my words, I felt flustered and was holding back tears while sharing my situation. I gave everyone a brief description on my situation and tried to explain what God showed me through the week of study. As always someone raised their hand and I knew just what was about to go down. The lady then shared how she had had cancer and prayed to God to heal her and it worked, Praise Jesus for that. She then went on to tell me that her Daughter was told she had stage 3 cervical cancer and was going into the hospital to get it cleaned out when the doctor came in her mom asked the doctors if she could pray for her first. So she prayed and prayed and prayed and 20 days later not only was the cancer part better she was Pregnant. What an amazing testament to God’s healing and Faith. I sat there just looking at her and told her how happy I was for her and her family. The week prior Christina, our group leader, told us she did not want us to be fake so I proceeded to say that I needed to be honest with them. I told the lady that her testament was amazing but I have heard 1,000,000 stories of God healing others and sometimes it gets a little much. I told her that I too have people praying for me, people that lay their hands on me and beg God for healing but I have yet to be healed, and that is hard to swallow at times. She seemed taken aback which I expected so I did apologize and said that wasn’t trying to take away anything about how God had healed her and her daughter but I have heard it before. She then began to almost list off all these things her daughter did before God healed her, as if I did ABCDE then God would reward me. I do not believe that. I do believe that God wants something more from me, my attention. But I in no way believe that God is a vending machine, where you put in a perfect combination and out pops a baby. So the talking ended there. Christina did a great job facilitating the situation. We all prayed together and then she handed out cards to write our prayer request down. We are in a room with another group that sits fairly close to us, so as our group sat in silence writing our prayers down, a sweet quiet voice said, “I have been trying for 5 ½ years to have a baby.” I looked up and made eye contact with Christina, she then said, “did you hear that”, I answered with a quick yes. She told me I would be talking with her after we were done and in my head I was like “um, no I won’t be.” So I got up and got my stuff together and was concerned that Tessa felt comfortable and headed towards the sanctuary. Christina asked if I had spoke with her and I looked down and said no and continued walking. As I was about to sit Christina called my name and said to come with her. I had Tessa find a seat and I followed her. In my heart I was thinking, “let this go Christina”. As I walked out, there she was…Sarah. Christina began to share with us both our brief stories and I began to weep, Sarah took me in her arms and we both cried(totally a TLC moment). She let go and said everything I have needed someone to say to me for years. She began to share all the same feeling I have. She said that she knew how bad it hurt, she knew how hard it is to get out of bed some days. We both stood there crying as she kept sharing how painful infertility is. One phrase that she repeated 4 times was this, “God never puts a desire in our heart that he is unwilling to fulfill.” What an amazing statement that I so needed to hear. She told me I had made it through the toughest years…years 1-3. She did say that it comes in waves fro then on out. Some days you do great and others you have complete breakdowns. She would then share a little more, and then we would cry and hug again. She gave me her Phone number and full name for of course, FACEBOOK! She told me I could call at 3am, because she too knows what it feels like to be up at that hour wishing she had a baby to comfort. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to look into someone’s eyes that knew exactly how I felt. Thank you God for providing me with that. God most certainly is Great.By the time I got home I was completely exhausted and ready for bed. I really can’t get over how amazing God is and His timing is perfect. I didn’t hear Sarah’s tiny voice by mistake, I didn’t get a group leader who was going to make us talk by accident. God loves me and is working in my heart and life at all times. I hope that I can continue to be open to what He has for me.
P.S. I took my sister's advice and wrote my bog in a document so I wouldn't lose it!
Last week was Bible Study which I love. Tessa is also doing the Bible Study which I am thrilled about, so I spent most of my day thinking of her since I knew she was nervous about it. We got there a little early and got seats next to each other. We always start in our small groups and then head to the sanctuary for the video. We are doing another Angela Thomas study who I absolutely love. She is so transparent in what she has gone through and that lady knows heart ache, let me tell you. The small group this year only has two people from my last two studies so I knew it was going to take some time to get to know people. The homework this week really touched me. It was about being transparent, not being fake, and allowing Godly women into your life to help you through the good and bad times. It talked about God being our comforter, and it talked about how God uses us the most when we are broken hearted. Through the grace God shows those of us in sorrow, others are able to see His love.
I had so many insightful things I wanted to share. I wanted the two women that have been with me through my toughest time to see that I have grown in strength and faith. Unfortunately when it came to me, I fell apart. I was tripping over my words, I felt flustered and was holding back tears while sharing my situation. I gave everyone a brief description on my situation and tried to explain what God showed me through the week of study. As always someone raised their hand and I knew just what was about to go down. The lady then shared how she had had cancer and prayed to God to heal her and it worked, Praise Jesus for that. She then went on to tell me that her Daughter was told she had stage 3 cervical cancer and was going into the hospital to get it cleaned out when the doctor came in her mom asked the doctors if she could pray for her first. So she prayed and prayed and prayed and 20 days later not only was the cancer part better she was Pregnant. What an amazing testament to God’s healing and Faith. I sat there just looking at her and told her how happy I was for her and her family. The week prior Christina, our group leader, told us she did not want us to be fake so I proceeded to say that I needed to be honest with them. I told the lady that her testament was amazing but I have heard 1,000,000 stories of God healing others and sometimes it gets a little much. I told her that I too have people praying for me, people that lay their hands on me and beg God for healing but I have yet to be healed, and that is hard to swallow at times. She seemed taken aback which I expected so I did apologize and said that wasn’t trying to take away anything about how God had healed her and her daughter but I have heard it before. She then began to almost list off all these things her daughter did before God healed her, as if I did ABCDE then God would reward me. I do not believe that. I do believe that God wants something more from me, my attention. But I in no way believe that God is a vending machine, where you put in a perfect combination and out pops a baby. So the talking ended there. Christina did a great job facilitating the situation. We all prayed together and then she handed out cards to write our prayer request down. We are in a room with another group that sits fairly close to us, so as our group sat in silence writing our prayers down, a sweet quiet voice said, “I have been trying for 5 ½ years to have a baby.” I looked up and made eye contact with Christina, she then said, “did you hear that”, I answered with a quick yes. She told me I would be talking with her after we were done and in my head I was like “um, no I won’t be.” So I got up and got my stuff together and was concerned that Tessa felt comfortable and headed towards the sanctuary. Christina asked if I had spoke with her and I looked down and said no and continued walking. As I was about to sit Christina called my name and said to come with her. I had Tessa find a seat and I followed her. In my heart I was thinking, “let this go Christina”. As I walked out, there she was…Sarah. Christina began to share with us both our brief stories and I began to weep, Sarah took me in her arms and we both cried(totally a TLC moment). She let go and said everything I have needed someone to say to me for years. She began to share all the same feeling I have. She said that she knew how bad it hurt, she knew how hard it is to get out of bed some days. We both stood there crying as she kept sharing how painful infertility is. One phrase that she repeated 4 times was this, “God never puts a desire in our heart that he is unwilling to fulfill.” What an amazing statement that I so needed to hear. She told me I had made it through the toughest years…years 1-3. She did say that it comes in waves fro then on out. Some days you do great and others you have complete breakdowns. She would then share a little more, and then we would cry and hug again. She gave me her Phone number and full name for of course, FACEBOOK! She told me I could call at 3am, because she too knows what it feels like to be up at that hour wishing she had a baby to comfort. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to look into someone’s eyes that knew exactly how I felt. Thank you God for providing me with that. God most certainly is Great.By the time I got home I was completely exhausted and ready for bed. I really can’t get over how amazing God is and His timing is perfect. I didn’t hear Sarah’s tiny voice by mistake, I didn’t get a group leader who was going to make us talk by accident. God loves me and is working in my heart and life at all times. I hope that I can continue to be open to what He has for me.
P.S. I took my sister's advice and wrote my bog in a document so I wouldn't lose it!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Not what we were hoping for...
Well not the news we were Hoping and Praying for but the plan that God has for us. Steven seems so excited this morning and I prayed that is heart would be spared. He is by far one of the most faithful men I have ever meant. We got to the doctors 30 min early and were brought in early. So we sat there hand in hand while Steven prayed with me. He asked that this would be our time but if it isn't His will then we will wait. I feel so lucky to have him.
Doctor Dudley came in 25 min later and said lets check it out. As I had guessed, there was no baby. So there I laid in the uncomfortable position that I have found myself so many times before, staring blankly at the screen pretending I care what he was saying. All I could hear was,"I don't see a baby in here". It looks like I just ovulated late and I should have a period one of these days. He said it is a fluke thing that rarely ever happens but yes it would happen to me. They still drew my blood to see where all my levels were and they are even going to try and bill the insurance and see if they pay since it technically wasn't an infertility appointment.
So there we went out the door into the elevator we have taken too many times in silent, both not knowing what to say to each other. All I want to say is that I am sorry and all he wants to say is Trust God with all your heart. We walked to our cars, kissed quickly and went our separate ways to work. Shortly after I texted him that I was so sorry my body sucks so bad and that I want to give him a baby more then anything in the world. He wrote back,"Honey I know you do. It will happen." So while I sit here with tears coming down my face, I have to continue to believe that God is in complete control and He weeps with me when I am sad.
While I can say I believe that we will have a baby someday and that my focus is on what Go wants from me today, it is still hard. I still cry. My heart still breaks. Please God hold my heart during these times.
Thank you for all your prayers. We are packing up and heading to Texas tomorrow morning to visit friends. I knew going into it that they were pregnant, and she just found out yesterday she is having a boy, but this situation makes it harder. So I am asking for prayers that I will not feel jealously towards her and that we can celebrate in the gift that God has chosen to give them!
Doctor Dudley came in 25 min later and said lets check it out. As I had guessed, there was no baby. So there I laid in the uncomfortable position that I have found myself so many times before, staring blankly at the screen pretending I care what he was saying. All I could hear was,"I don't see a baby in here". It looks like I just ovulated late and I should have a period one of these days. He said it is a fluke thing that rarely ever happens but yes it would happen to me. They still drew my blood to see where all my levels were and they are even going to try and bill the insurance and see if they pay since it technically wasn't an infertility appointment.
So there we went out the door into the elevator we have taken too many times in silent, both not knowing what to say to each other. All I want to say is that I am sorry and all he wants to say is Trust God with all your heart. We walked to our cars, kissed quickly and went our separate ways to work. Shortly after I texted him that I was so sorry my body sucks so bad and that I want to give him a baby more then anything in the world. He wrote back,"Honey I know you do. It will happen." So while I sit here with tears coming down my face, I have to continue to believe that God is in complete control and He weeps with me when I am sad.
While I can say I believe that we will have a baby someday and that my focus is on what Go wants from me today, it is still hard. I still cry. My heart still breaks. Please God hold my heart during these times.
Thank you for all your prayers. We are packing up and heading to Texas tomorrow morning to visit friends. I knew going into it that they were pregnant, and she just found out yesterday she is having a boy, but this situation makes it harder. So I am asking for prayers that I will not feel jealously towards her and that we can celebrate in the gift that God has chosen to give them!
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