so grateful.....

For my beautiful sister. As I sit at work crying(yup super professional) and texting my sister she sent me the best thing:

"my heart breaks for you! Don't lose your faith, cling to it. Beg and Plead with the Lord, and remain true to your love for Him. Hope will come...."

How could I ask for anything else? I am so grateful for a sister who loves me, and cares about how I feel. Thank you Mary for always being there. I love you!

Again

Another month....no baby

There have only been a a handful of times I actually thought I was pregnant, this month being one of them. Complete devistation.

Coping?

Most of the time I do fine but there are moments where I fear my desires will never be met. God is in control, I have no doubt about that but the pain is so thick sometimes I can't breathe. I cried 3 times during our date night dinner and Steven was so gracious and just kept telling me, "its okay baby" not "quit crying in public you re embarrassing me" although I wouldn't blame him for saying that. I fear writing down my thoughts because I don't want to be judged for not being strong. When I tell people I fully believe God will heal me then it almost seems implied by them that I shouldn't worry or get upset when it doesn't happen. Well I am human. I fear writing down how I feel because I am afraid I will not get a baby until I fully trust the Lord, well news flash he can read my mind and thoughts and already knew I was going to have them. I must stop trying to earn Grace from God. It is free for those who love him. And I so very much love the Lord. So I give up trying to earn it. God knows my heart. God knows that when I see a pregnant person my heart aches, that when I see another stupid "we are pregnant commercial" I get annoyed, that when I see someone uninterested in taking care of their baby that my body aches to hold that child. God knows and he still loves me and gives me Grace and Mercy. God knows that I can't sleep the night before I am going to take a pregnancy test. God knows every time I cry before it even happens. Sometimes I feel so alone in this battle of infertility and then God gently reminds me he is right there with me wanting to walk with me through the pain. God already knows that I will be begging again in about an hour for a baby and to be pregnant soon! I am so thankful for a God that already knows all of these things. Thank you heavenly Father. Today I will own the Grace God has already given me freely.

Today is better, although today I started my period it seems to be eaiser then the negative test. I am so thankful for accurate pregnancy tests. I have taken over 70 pregnancy tests and have never had a false positive. Thank you Jesus for protecting me. So my eyes are back on the Lord and trusting in His perfect timing. Mark 11:24- "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. What God does not promise is that He will give us what we pray for when WE want it. What I do know is that I will continue to pray and ask for my hearts desire. I believe in healing and I know God will give us our baby! Jesus thank you for being patient with me even when I feel bad for myself. Thank you for never changing, thank you for your Grace and Mercy.

Trying to process how I feel today...You would think after all this time I wouldn't be so upset to get a negative pregnancy test but I swear it only gets harder, the only difference is the time it takes to cast my eyes back on the Lord. i feel as though it is harder now that I believe without a doubt that God can heal me, because I feel that He is just choosing not to heal me as though there is something I am doing wrong.But as my sister reminded me, he may not be saying no but Not Yet.

Lord I am begging for a Miracle, you are the Healer, heal my body. My heart is crying out.

Praying my heart will not hurt as bad when I wake.

Day 14 and 15

Am I really this far into it? I think so! So many answers to prayers already and God has brought so much to light. Everyone should fast, I know I will be again.

So far the biggest issue brought to my attention: Why is God not on the throne He belongs on in my life? Abraham waited a long to time for a baby and then God finally blessed them with a baby. They waited so long that they loved and adored that baby. They put that baby before anything else, an "uncleansed love" as tozer would put it. They put Issac before God in their lives. God being fed up with this finally told Abraham to sacrifice his only son on an alter....What?!?!??!?! I know we have all heard this but i have never thought of it this way. I have only thought of the great faith that Abraham had instead of realizing that God was telling Abraham to bring Issac off the throne that belonged to Him and place God back in His rightful place. Yikes! Talk up a jab in the heart. God I am so thankful you brought this to my attention now. I want a baby but I don't want the baby to outweigh you, to be higher then you in my life. And lets me honest, having baby was more important and God and even Steven in my life. I am so thankful to realize this now instead of after having a baby and maybe God having to give me a wake up call in even a more painful way. I am choosing to surrender having a baby over to the Lord. God wants to give us all that our heart desires but He wants and needs to be where He belongs....on the throne of our lives. All the you commit to Him is safe and everything you do not, is not. I commit this situation to you Lord.

Through this I have been able to control my emotions more. I have been asking God to search my heart and remove all jealousy and sadness out of my life. I want to be genuinely happy for others. I want to rest in knowing God is in control and truly in his time alone we will have a baby.

I am excited for the remainder of the fast....I am seeking God's face for all that He wants to reveal to us. Thank you to everyone for your continued support.

A few more photos from San Fran!


Thought this was cool!


It was very Windy!


Have to love Self Timer!!!

Day 10, 11, 12,13

Wow I am behind, I won't try and go through each day because I would really be trying to make stuff up since I can't remember exactly what happened each day. The most important thing to note is that we had another answer to pray. Yes we are praying for a baby but also for healing to help that process and that is exactly what happened this cycle. As I have written about in the past, I have really unpredictable cycles and very long ones at that but this month I had a 30 days cycle and then most important part is that I only had 14 days from the day I ovulated to the day my next cycle started. Thank you Jesus! Yes it would have been wonderful to be pregnant(a perfect birthday present for Steven tomorrow) but God is so good and my body is on track this month and we are focused on another month of trying. Thank you Jesus for the healing that is taking place in my body!

Another big note is the amount of people joining forces with us. WE have had so many people come along side of us and are fasting the last 10 days with us. Some are doing the full fast and some chose specific things to fast from and in any case the prayer is the most important. I get overwhelmed thinking of all the people praying with us right now. I hope one day I can step up along side someone and fast and contend for them with the Lord.

Thank you Father for all the wonderful people you have brought into our lives and come along side of us during this time. We ask for continued healing in my body and for a baby. We believe what you word says and we rest on that. Thank you for all the blessing you have given us. We love you and are excited for the next season of our lives.