Monday, December 15, 2008

Going Crazy

Well its Monday and I am starting to lose it. I want more than anything for this to be our month. I am so scared to get another negative. In the past my brain has turned off certain symptoms of AF and then I think I could be pregnant...just to be crushed once again. I am so afraid that this is one of those months. I know I will get over it and move on but my heart may not be able to get over it in time to enjoy Christmas. I think about it all the time. I can't even make a list out for Steven of what to get me for Christmas. All I want to put on it is that I want a baby!!! He can't go out and buy me a baby, even though we are paying doctors to help! I find myself unable to concentrate on anything else other than if I am pregnant. Please God Please let this be our month. My delima is when to test. I can't decided if it is better to test with Steven tomorrow or to wait until my AF date which is Thursday. Some say it is better to know sooner so you can get on with your next cycle if it is another negative. I will need some extra time to grieve before Christmas but I don't know if I want to see a negative early, I like having hope. I don't know if I want to wait until Steven is not here so if it is another negative than I can be sad alone for a while, but if I wait and it is positive than I will want him to be here. Then comes the thought of a positive. I am at the point in my cycle where I start dreaming of different ways I will tell people. I have thought of every way possible. I can't wait for the day that I will be able to tell everyone, that we are finally Pregnant! I hate thinking of different ways because it makes the pain of not being able to tell people that much harder. Please God Please let me be pregnant.

Please let this be our month. Please let me carry a child and bring him/her up to glorify you. Please hear our cries and give us a baby to hold in our empty arms. Lord if this is not our month we will still believe in your love and will continue to believe that one day we both will be parents. Lord please hold our hearts and soften the blow if it is another negative. If this is not our month, help me to find a way to enjoy Christmas. But please God Please let this be our month.

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