Hurting

Well it was another month of hope and heartache. I did the stupid thing and I tested early and found our 3 days early that I wasn't pregnant. I can at least say that at least I knew but then I spent the following days waiting. This was a hard month for me because I thought I was pregnant. All my normal symptoms I usually feel were not there and I thought this was our month. I had a huge follicle on my good side and I don't even have to talk about Steven's stuff because it is always good....and still no baby. It is so hard to not get discouraged. I am not sure why this is happening. I am doing everything I can to put all my energy into enjoying Christmas,but today had been really hard. I think it get worse when i am home all day by myself. I have worked out twice today to try and distract myself but I still find myself crying. I thought this was my month, I thought this was my year and still nothing.

Well that being said I am off to another cycle. I start my new medication tomorrow. I call these my crazy pills. I have taken them once before but at a lower dose. I was crazy on the lower dose so I can't even imagine what I will be like on the higher dose. No matter what the side effects are, I am praying for many follicles. Heads up: this is the same medication Jon and Kate +8 were on with both sets of multiples. So it does work I just hope it works for us. My IUI will probably be on the 3rd or the 4th. Oh Lord please let this work for us.

Lord, please help us get through Christmas without too many heartaches. Please help me focus on other people. Thank you for all the blessings in my life. Thank you for holding my heart during this crushing blow. Continue to be with us and guide us through this trying time in our lives. Help us to learn all that you want us to from these experiences. Thank you for such and amazing husband. Help this medication to not kill me or for me to kill anyone else:) I love you Lord!