Friday, December 12, 2008

1 week left!

The last couple days haven't been easy. Two days ago I was an emotional wreck! I cried almost all day and didn't want to be around anyone, and no one wanted to be around me. The next day I completely useless and today just blah!!! I am trying so hard not to think about every crampy thing or sore boob or anything that could be a symptom either way. I have wanted a baby for so long. I have wanted a baby to hold in our empty arms. This is our third Christmas trying and I am just so scared that it will be another negative. I am ready now. I am continuing to believe and trust in the Lord. I just wish that it wants so close to Christmas. I want to be able to have a great Christmas but I just don't know how I will feel if it is another Christmas with no baby. Oh Lord her my cry for a baby. Please be with both Steven and I am hold our hearts for the next week. Please, Please let me be pregnant.

Tomorrow is our annual Hopper Shopper Day! That is when Erin, Nicole, Vickie and some of the kids go shopping. I told myself last year, while in the many children's shops, that I couldn't handle one more Hopper Shopper day with out being pregnant and look at me now. I have thought about not going, oh have I ever thought about that. Erin will be bringing Gracie and Joshua. I love Erin and her kids but she will probably be wearing her baby with the sleepy wrap I got her and it will tear my heart in half thinking about how badly I wish I was wearing a baby. And then there is Nicole who is pregnant. I wish I was sick with morning sickness. I wish I was having to wear maternity clothes. I try so hard not to be jealous but they have what I want so much! Through all of this I have decided I am going to go. I am not sure if I am going for Erin sake or Steven's. When you go through infertility you tend you isolate yourself from others and I need to salvage what little I have left. I am praying the day goes by quickly. Oh and I also hope I can find something to where that I don't feel fat in. I gain about 5 pounds every month I am on these fertility treatments. I wish I was gaining weight because of a baby. Lord give me strength for tomorrow.

Well I should try to work:)

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