I didn't even blog yesterday because it would have been a mess. I hit a major wall of negativity. Nothing anyone said really was going to make a difference yesterday with how I was feeling....can someone say Debbie Downer!!! With how I have felt through this whole process of birth control, 10 days of hormone shots, numerous probs up the lady area, too many blood draws to count and then continued daily shots and patches I would have never thought I would have felt the way I did yesterday. This whole process has been relatively easy and smooth, feeling very calm and collected that was until yesterday. I just had this overwhelming sense that this didn't work. The devil was working overtime on me. I blasted worship music to drown out the negative thoughts and then when I got homoe I read my Bible and then prayed in what will be the baby's room. But the feeling just never really did leave me.
Work up to what should have been a brand new start to a brand new day...I could feel it still like a cloud over me. If any of you have seen the lion, the witch and the wardrobe movies(or whatever you call them) saten is depicted in the last film as a green fog like substance that follows you wherever you go once you give into sin. And that is just what happened to me. I allowed the sin of negativity to roam free over me. Now I have to say some of my thoughts are normal for someone in my situation but thinking them and speaking against them is a lot different then bathing in them. I had several people text to check in on me and sure enough my sister did too. I think she could immediately sense something was wrong or maybe the Lord spoke to hear and told her to call because she did. She asked me how I was and I just felt a wave of sadness come over and I began to tell her all the negative things that were following me around. I can't really remember what she said but it helped. But it wasn't until she text me after that finally I was able to let go of the sin I was carrying around...She told me that I needed to remember who God was and what He was calling me to do. She reminded me that i was being used as a testimony to show his Love and Faithfullness to us. She reminded me that He is asking me to run to Him baby or no baby...becasue He is my king and savior. I couldn't have asked for anything more from her. She always has the right things to say and knows exactly what I need to hear. I can honestly say that weights have been lifted from my shoulders and i am now back to believing I will be pregnant at the end of this, if it is God's will.
Thank you to everyone who is praying for us. Thank you to Ashley C for bringing me a jamba juice at work just because and listening to my thoughts! Thank you to my sister who i love more then words. And thank you to the rest that text and email and remind me that we are not in this all by ourselves.