My favorite Tree

I have taken pictures, countless, of our tree in the front yard. Eventhough we don't live there currently I still wanted to post these pictures because it shows exactly why I love Washington so very much...you get all the seasons!

Fall...I love when the leaves change colors

A winter evening.

Early Spring

Spring is here!

It's been a long time

Well I thought I would start back up writing a little. I have found myself lost in life lately. We are on a break from trying to have a baby or at least on a break from the doctors. I stupidly(if that's a word) agreed to taking a break for a year and now 3 months in, I am finding myself at a loss for words that I did that. It is much harder to not actively be trying than it is to try. I do my best to not talk about it with people but what is there to talk about? So my goal is to allow myself to write about it hear but add a few things that I have been doing in the mean time. I did ask Steven this morning if he would consider only taking a 6 month break but he is not easily persuaded, but I will keep trying. I have made it through another Mother's and Father's day and I have basically a year before having to go through it again. My goal last year was to be pregnant before Father's Day this year but that didn't happen. I am too afraid to make anymore goals because I don't seem to reach them.

I did just get back from New York and will post pictures once I have them on my computer. I had a wonderful time. Now that I am back I will be focusing on eating well, exercising and losing this added weight from my overeating and fertility drugs. I suppose I should be working but I just don't feel like it. UGH!!!!!!

a little update

Just a little update on our plan. I am trying to get back to normal, I am just not sure what normal is. I am doing my best to not be depressed but I feel sad all the time and the pain in my heart is unbearable. I still believe that I will have a baby, as always I just wish I knew when. So Monday I go in and see what side my follicles are on. I need them to be on my right side because that is supposedly my good side. If I have 2 or more on my right side then we may opt to do another(that will be number 5) IUI, if not then we will just opt not to. I plan on asking the RE if he would be willing to do another surgery to see what kind of condition my right tube is in. It would be great to know that because that would determine when we do IVF. If it were up to me I would be doing IVF all ready. I don't believe you can put a price on a baby so I am fine with taking out the loan now. Steven on the other hand is not that ready to do it. He still believes that we will get pregnant without IVF, but I then asked him where he got his medical licence. But we are a team and I want both of us to be ready. So as always I wait to talk with the doctor and see what he is willing to do.

I still cry at everything but I am trying to pull myself out of this a little everyday. Who would have thought trying to have a baby would ever be like this. I just wish and pray my heart stops breaking soon.

I am losing myself

I don't even know what to say. I feel like I have lost the joy that life is. I have a hard time laughing and being happy. I feel as though I am losing my friends and it is completely my fault. I don't want to talk with people. I don't want to hear about how there lives are just continuing while mine feels as though it is at a stand still but I don't want to not know what is going on in their lives. I can't have it both ways. I love my friends and family and I want nothing but the best but I just feel as though I am dieing. I am trying hard to pull myself out of this funk and I just can't seem to find a rope to hold on to. I cry at nothing and everything. I feel so lost in life...

Instincts were wrong.

Wow I really thought I knew my body. Everything about this month seemed different but yet the same outcome. I hate my body for deceiving me. Why have I woke up every morning at 4-5 to pee, even this morning when I waited as long as I could and finally had to get up and test at 6am? Why did my boobs not start hurting until 13dpo? Why did I feel weird sensations? Well it was fun thinking I might be pregnant while it lasted. Shame on me for looking up what the due date would be though. Not sure where we are going from here. We are both to devastated to make a create a plan. The pain is much worse falling from the top, but Steven loved that I was so hopeful...so for that it was worth it.

Overwhelmed with Hope!

What can I say I have had a permanent smile on my face for days especially in the last 2. Call it reading into things if you like my I know my body probably better than anyone knows there body and my boobs should have started hurting two days ago and still nothing:) Not much more to say other than I am more Hopeful than I have ever been and I love it. I honestly feel like it could happen for us this month!!!! I am sad no matter what when it doesn't happen so I have decided to assume I am pregnant and it feels soooooooooooooo much better this way. Normally by now I am dreading the last 6 days but not this time, I am anxious! There have been months where I think I could be feeling symptoms differently but you can't imagine your boobs not hurting! I know anyone reading this is thinking I am only going to make it hurt more if I am not pregnant but I am okay with that. I haven't allowed myself to think that way this month. I allow myself about 5 min a day of worrying and then I tell myself nope your going to be positive...and it has worked! My cycle ends on Monday and I am going to try to not test until then but with the way I am feeling I doubt I will make it but maybe I can hold out. Steven just keeps repeating 4th and final! That is what we are believing. So that's the update. I am overflowing with hope!!

Hopeful

Just us being Hopeful!

4th IUI and yes that is a double chin, I blame it on the way the table is tilted!:)

Just me the day I found out I had at least 3 follicles!!!!!!!!!

This is what the house looked like for 2 weeks! Shocking I didn't get pregnant that month!

I love Ducks, it is kind of a new thing for me.

I just love the colors in this picture!

Rocky hoarding the bones as usual!

Well here I am 2dpo and I am feeling great. I had been having really bad cramping the last few days but today I feel good. I haven't been sleeping very well and I am guessing that is from the HCG shot which is the pregnancy hormone shot. I always get my hopes up while being realistic but this month I am going with full hope. I am choosing to assume it worked until I know otherwise. Last night we were laying in bed and I heard Steven start counting months and I asked what he was doing, even though I kind of knew. He told me he was counting 9 months from now and he said that he has never done that before. We both said a November baby would be amazing! It was great to hear him seem so hopeful, he always is but it always surprises me to hear how hopeful he is after so long. When I was laying in bed I thought to myself that I wouldn't trade this time in for a baby 3 years ago. Although it has been the most painful time of my life, Steven and I have grown so much closer to each other and God. I love Steven more than anything and I am praying to give him a November Baby. So for the next 13 days I am choosing to be a complete homebody. I asked the nurse what I could do this month to make the 4th time stick and she just kept saying Relax, relax, relax. So that is what I am doing. I am working from the couch and walking around at a slower pace. I am also visualizing my baby in my arms. I am trying to keep the house clean, but not trying to do it all at once. I am also believing believing and believing that this is our month. The nurse told me to get into a good book but I have chose to try and finish a knitting project. I am currently working on a baby sweater and I will be starting a brown baby hat for my newest nephew to come...Henry! So that is where I am right now...hope I stay as hopeful over the next 13 days!