Need to be better at blogging

There is no real way to recap everything that has happened so I will do my best and then move forward. I have still been keeping track of everything through my vlogging which seams to be easier but I do need to try and write stuff down as well. I am 13 weeks and 1 day pregnant and so excited to be able to say that! We had a scare starting at 9 weeks 4 days, I started spotting and it didn't stop until 12 weeks 3 days. Crazy experience. Very scary. But I did get to see the baby an extra time because of it. The baby hb is still really high! 182bpm:) That is one strong heart! Very thankful that I am not spotting anymore!

I would say that I have a small baby bump, mostly because when I suck my stomach in it no longer goes in anymore! YEAH! Can't wait to have a real big stomach! Right now I am just wearing skirts and dresses since my pants don't seem to fit anymore and the bellie band doesn't always work the best.

We took the intelligender test and it said boy:) It is a over the counter gender predictor test that you mix your first morning urine in and depending on the color it changed to, that is what gender you are having. This test has been proven to be 80-90% accurate but more near the 80% when the test result shows boy...weird right? So while Steven thought it was awesome it came up boy result, we are not painting the nursery quite yet. I still feel for some reason that we are having a girl. I would love to have a boy so it is not like I am wanting a girl so badly that I am making myself feel that way...so who knows we will be excited for either! So far for names we have

Hope Marie Hopper for a girl
and
Charles (charlie) Steven hopper....so Steven could call him JR. which is what he already is referring to the baby as:)
or
Jack Roy Hopper
or
Brighton David hopper
or
Luke David hopper
So needless to say we have agreed on a girl's name but not a boy!

So we get to go in around 15 weeks to a place that needs models to test on new machines. They pay you cash and travel time, not that I need to be paid but a little extra cash is always nice. So maybe, hopefully we may know what we are having in about 2 weeks!!! If not I will be requesting another asap! We just so badly want to know what we are having.

I have purchased a few baby buys, trying for mostly gender neutral but also a few boy and girl stuff. I would post some pics but I'm not home right now so I will hopefully add them later!

That is about it for now! We see the midwife next Tuesday! We will finally be able to hear our baby's heart beat! So So SO excited for that!

Thank you for all your continued support and prayer!

5w5days

I am 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and up until last night I felt great. Other then being tired and occasionally thinking I might throw up, I felt great. I have been having cramps since before the transfer and that has not changed. These were mild cramps nothing too exciting that was until last night. We went over to our friend's house for dinner and then when we were finished I started having mild cramping which then quickly escalated to bad cramping and then to where I couldn't get up off the floor. I went upstairs into the bathroom when I tried to go to the bathroom but the cramps were just so bad I couldn't even see straight. I was yelling and crying from the pain. I had this exact same thing happen about 3 months ago when I started one of my cycles. It isn't normal cramping. It is a constant cramp, contraction that never goes away. By the time it ended about 35 min later, I was covered in sweat, exhausted and emotionally drained. I couldn't believe after all that pain that I wasn't bleeding. I am telling you, I thought that was the end of the pregnancy for us. After lots of tears and more prayers I was able to head home. I did try and look some stuff up and also emailed my nurse. What I did find was that with endometriosis, pain can be horrible when the uterus is growing wince there is so much scar tissue from it. But it was just really scary. I got an email back from my nurse today and she basically said that cramping in early pregnancy was completely normal.....UM HELLO, this wasn't regular cramping, this was on a whole new level. So all I can do is believe that our baby is still hanging in there and wait till Monday when we get to go in for our first u/s. Some of you may think its weird that I'm worried when I'm not bleeding but that was my other question to the nurse. since I am on progesterone, if I was to miscarry would I even bleed since doing the progesterone shots keeps you from bleeding. She said that most likely if I was miscarrying that I would bleed from it. I hate that nothing is ever for sure. I hate that I had no thoughts of miscarriage at all and then this happened. I am praying that my mind would be at ease and that Monday would come here in a flash! Prayers are always needed! Thanks girls!!

Results are in..............................

Here it is! The post I have been waiting 5 years to write....I'm Pregnant!!! I still can't believe it! I have imagined this time for so long and really thought it would feel real but I am just in bisbelief. I was so sure that I wasn't pregnant. I was having pretty bad cramping and just wasn't feeling it at all but what do I know I guess:)
So Monday we made it to the clinic at 8am for the blood draw. I will say this, Monday morning was the only morning I woke up and felt like it could have worked which only frustrated me more because I knew my hopes were up really high! So blood draw was done by like 8:05 and then we had to kill time and a lot of it. We went to breakfast in Kent and then headed to Ikea. We bought a large bookshelf type thing for the office/sewing/bonus room plus a really cheap sewing table. Then we were off to Starbucks! After we ordered we sat down to play chess. Neither one of us know how to play but to pass time we tried to learn. By then it was 12 and I knew any time between 12-5 I could get the call. As soon as 12 hit, my stomach dropped and I was so nervous! I kept pretending to play. For those that know me, there is not a more fitting place then Starbucks for me to be told that I am PREGNANT!!! So at like 12:45 my phone rang and it was SRM. I knew as soon as I picked the phone up I would know whether I was or wasn't just by the sound of Terry's voice and sure enough I knew right away that I was pregnant! Still in disbelief, she said"you were wrong, you are pregnant"!!!! This was just the start of many "you were wrong" quotes of the day. But I don't care that I was wrong about this becasue I am pregnant!!!! I didn't start to cry or anything, I was shaking but that was about it. I got off the phone and Steven and I hugged for a long time(did I mention we went out to the car, so none of this was happening inside of Starbucks)and prayed and thanked the Lord for the blessing that we knew came from Him alone.
That next few hours was a whirl wind of calls made to friends and family and peeing on sticks! Thats right I really didn't test until after they told me I was pregnant and since then I have taken 5:) I would take more if someone would buy them for me!!!
There are no words to describe how thankful I am for all of you who were praying for us. We felt all of the prayers. We are so excited to be on this next journey! Our first ultrasound is on July 11th which is only the 6 week mark so we may only be able to see something not the actually heart beating but we will see! Thank you thank you thank you to all who prayed and supported us through the last long 5 years of our life!

Our baby!

8dp5dt

Here I am the afternoon before my blood test. I have very mixed feelings right now. Before I start I do understand that I have never been pregnant so I don't know what it feels like but what I do know is that I know what it feels like to not be pregnant. Even before the transfer I was having some cramping and that has never stopped. Over the last few days I have had consistent cramping. By consistent I mean everyday. I don't have cramping all the time but this is what it normally feels like before I start my period. I also know that other women have felt that without a shadow of doubt that they were going to start their period yet they never did and ended up pregnant. So yup all I can do is wait until tomorrow. I go in at 8am and they say they call anywhere form 12-5. So tomorrow we just wait as well. Steven was suppose to work yesterday and for some reason I was happy about that. I felt like I would do better alone, but he called this morning and got the day off. I think it is so very sweet that he wants to be with me but it just seemed a little easier doing it alone:)

So I wait on the Lord. I am praying that this is God's timing for us. Praying that tomorrow I get the call that we have waited 5 years to hear. I want nothing more then to be pregnant but if it is not God's timing then we will make it through and try again. I don't plan on giving up anytime soon!

Thank you again for all your prayers. Please be praying for Steven who has faith unlike anything I have seen and truly believes we are pregnant right now. And who knows WE COULD BE!

Lord I praise you and thank you for your love and blessings that you pour over our lives. Thank you that you are in control of our lives and know what is best for us. Please calm our hearts as we wait for another 24 hours to hear the news we have been waiting for. Let your will be done. As I type this and am having cramping that does not help me in my thinking, protect my heart. Hold my heart. I will serve you no matter the outcome. I love you Father and thank you ahead of time for the blessing of a child that will come.

PUPO~Ashley

3&4dp5dt

3dp5dte
I didn't even blog yesterday because it would have been a mess. I hit a major wall of negativity. Nothing anyone said really was going to make a difference yesterday with how I was feeling....can someone say Debbie Downer!!! With how I have felt through this whole process of birth control, 10 days of hormone shots, numerous probs up the lady area, too many blood draws to count and then continued daily shots and patches I would have never thought I would have felt the way I did yesterday. This whole process has been relatively easy and smooth, feeling very calm and collected that was until yesterday. I just had this overwhelming sense that this didn't work. The devil was working overtime on me. I blasted worship music to drown out the negative thoughts and then when I got homoe I read my Bible and then prayed in what will be the baby's room. But the feeling just never really did leave me.
4dp5dt
Work up to what should have been a brand new start to a brand new day...I could feel it still like a cloud over me. If any of you have seen the lion, the witch and the wardrobe movies(or whatever you call them) saten is depicted in the last film as a green fog like substance that follows you wherever you go once you give into sin. And that is just what happened to me. I allowed the sin of negativity to roam free over me. Now I have to say some of my thoughts are normal for someone in my situation but thinking them and speaking against them is a lot different then bathing in them. I had several people text to check in on me and sure enough my sister did too. I think she could immediately sense something was wrong or maybe the Lord spoke to hear and told her to call because she did. She asked me how I was and I just felt a wave of sadness come over and I began to tell her all the negative things that were following me around. I can't really remember what she said but it helped. But it wasn't until she text me after that finally I was able to let go of the sin I was carrying around...She told me that I needed to remember who God was and what He was calling me to do. She reminded me that i was being used as a testimony to show his Love and Faithfullness to us. She reminded me that He is asking me to run to Him baby or no baby...becasue He is my king and savior. I couldn't have asked for anything more from her. She always has the right things to say and knows exactly what I need to hear. I can honestly say that weights have been lifted from my shoulders and i am now back to believing I will be pregnant at the end of this, if it is God's will.

Thank you to everyone who is praying for us. Thank you to Ashley C for bringing me a jamba juice at work just because and listening to my thoughts! Thank you to my sister who i love more then words. And thank you to the rest that text and email and remind me that we are not in this all by ourselves.

PUPO~Ashley

2 days after a 5 day transfer

Today was much better emotionally then yesterday. Today also wraps up my days of hanging around the house. Tomorrow I am back to work and back to normal stuff. Will I get anything done at work? At Home? Doubtful. My mind is going a million miles an hour, and nothing really in particular. And believe it or not I have stayed off of google, and most sites that people debate symptoms. I do however still stay up to date with my youtube people. I had a wonderful visit with my friend Ashley who recently got pregnant through IVF. I had many questions and she shared as much info as she had, although I will have many more questions for her. I truly think the hardest part with IVF is that there is no real normal with anything. One person could feel one way and another person a completely different way VERY FRUSTRATING! But I will say it is so nice to have someone to talk with in a world that can be so lonely. Other then that I have felt the same today. I have been having cramps since after the retrieval so I have to remember that that was happening before so it probably doesn't mean anything whether it is good or bad. All other symptoms are associated with the progesterone. And that leads me to the last note....My butt hurts from all the shots. You won't hear me complaining about too much but I will say OUCH!!! Well until tomorrow!

PUPO~Ashley

1 Day after a 5 day transfer

Last post I was in the waiting room and now I am in the waiting game.

Surprisingly I do not feel anxious at all but I'll be honest and say today was an emotional day. I woke up feeling perfectly normal but I did get my call from the clinic about the amount of embryos that made the freeze really early. Normally they call from 1pm to 5pm and they called at 9am. The nurse told me that only 2 of the remaining 7 made it to the freeze. I cried. I lost 5 more that were growing but then stopped. I want more then 3 kids at least that is how I feel now and I truly believe I am suppose to have more then 3. Having two frozen isn't a shoe in either is the one that is in my womb right now. I know getting ahead of myself but it is hard not too. My mind tends to race. Sometimes to places I didn't even ask it to go. I am trying to stay as calm in my mind as possible. I am trying to stay as hopefully as possible. I am believing I am pregnant Until Proven Otherwise, also known as PUPO:) I also had pregnancy announcements that came up today. One that gave me great hope(Ashley C:)) and another that was hard to swallow. And to top it all off I have been pumping myself full of hormone medication and I have handled it really well, so I may have just hit a minor breaking point:) But I am back to my positive, have to do this to get pregnant attitude and will keep pushing on!

Will update again soon!

PUPO~Ashley

Waiting room!!

In the waiting room of Seattle reproductive waking to be taken back for my transfer. They told us 11 but apparently it's at 11:30. Totally fine except that they told me to come with a full bladder and there was no way I could make it. So they has me empty my bladder and start drinking again. We are both so hopeful that this is our miracle! Still don't know how many have made it to today but we will know very soon!! So many thoughts that I am refusing to allow to surface. Praying against negative thoughts. Well off to get my blood drawn and then hopefully it will be our turn soon!!!

Be back soon!!

Our new Journey

Well here is is....Almost 5 years to the day that we started trying to have a baby and I can officially say we are doing IVF!!! I am so excited and am trying to enjoy every part of it. Now I don't think I even need to mention that it really isn't a fun process but I'm trying to enjoy! It has been 4 years since we were first told that we would need to do IVF and Steven has spent the last 4 years trying to prove the doctors wrong:) So how did we end up here?!?

I have recently been having abnormally horrible periods, they are normally bad but not like this. Steven hates to see me in pain so we made an appointment to go into Seattle Reproductive Medicine again. When we got there we were given 3 options: Surgery with hormone therapy after, hormone therapy alone or IVF. All three of those options did not seem terribly wonderful but we left the office and had to make a decision. They prescribed me birth control pills since that is step one of the IVF process and we were on our way out the door. Steven and I went our separate ways to work with the lingering decision upon us. I sent him a text later that day asking if he wanted me to fill the BC pills and to my surprise, he said yes! And then to my surprise again he said he wanted me to start taking them!!! And after that everything just kept rolling! WE did all the necessary tests and steps to get everything ready. We got our loan by the grace of God and then we were on our way.

I am on day 6 of my shots and things are going very well. I had my first scan yesterday and I had 30 follicles..30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To put that in perspective, woman have on average one a month! So I am being monitored really carefully(I go back tomorrow morning) to get checked again.

Tentative Timeline:

Tomorrow scan and blood work:
6/10- scan and blood work
Possible more scans after that
6/14- 50% chance of egg retrieval!!!!!!!!!
6/19- FATHERS DAY Embryo Transfer!!!!
6/28- Blood draw to see if I'm pregnant!

Everything is happening so fast! Shots are going remarkably well, it is really hard to mentally give them but physically a piece of cake. I am keeping my emotions under control the best I can. The only real side effects I am having are heightened mood swings, bloating and some pain from my overly big ovaries, and fatigue. I will take all those and more when it results in a miracle baby.

There is so much more to write but I wanted to get this down and then I can break it apart as the days come. Secret: I am also doing youtube videos to help other Christian women going through the same thing. I haven't told Steven about my youtube channel yet but that's alright! If you want to watch my user name is hopeforamiraclesoon.

So please be praying for us. We prepaid for 4 rounds of IVF but are believing it will happen the first time!

Ill keep you updated!

Ugh....

Feeling sad today. Mother's Day is coming up and I just can't begin to explain how painful that day is. How could it be my 5Th Mother's day with no baby. Although it is possible for me to be pregnant right now but to be honest it feels like every other cycle so I am doubtful. What if's are so hard to deal with. Is there a point to even writing them down? probably not. Not sure why I feel so sensitive today but I do. Plain and simple. So that means pray for Steven....:)

April adventures

We are in our new house finally. We have all of our stuff here but everything isn't quite put away;) I feel so blessed to have this home and can't wait to see what God has planned for us living out in this area. It does feel a bit odd to be in house this big with only the two of us. I have put nothing in the bedroom next to the master because I am saving that for a nursery. I need to be diligent in praying over that room when I walk by it. i told Steven I felt weird having all this space with only us, which he replied, "well I plan on filling this house with lots of children, I don't know about you"! His faith shouldn't surprise me but it sure refreshes my hope!

Our best friends are having their baby in less then a month and I honestly couldn't be more excited. God has protected my so much with this situation. I still have moments of sadness when I see her cute belly or Steven wants to feel the baby move but I have so much love for that baby already. Thank you Jesus for your Grace during this time. continue to be beside me and hold my heart when it begins to break.

Being hopeful that this could be our month. Praying we will be decorating that nursery very soon! Lord heal me and allow me to carry a baby. I am on my knees begging for a miracle only because I know you can heal!

Well off to bed. I have an Easter meeting tomorrow to get ready for our 20,000 egg hunt for the community! Love serving others for God's glory.

Love to all of you!

PS just hit spellcheck and I had no misspelling....that's unheard of for me!

Continuing to press forward

This cycle has been relatively easy. I was upset as usual but I feel with God's strength I am able to move quickly through the sadness. A huge thank you to all who continue to pray for us. I think once we are in our new house and things calm down we will be able to re-group and decide what to do next. When we fasted last we focused on asking God to work a miracle, while I still am believing for that I feel like we need to come to God with an open mind to any and all avenues to become parents. I talked a little to Steven about this yesterday only because he is already wanting to purchase next years ski passes and I am a little up in the air about what to do. He is so sweet though, he told me yesterday that he loves his life with me and could truly be happy with just us forever. I love him for saying that but wish I could say the same. Does that mean I love him less? I hope not. So he said that we should talk once we are in the house about whether or not we should fast again or what have you. So that's the update on that.

Onto something a little more exciting, our house should be done soon! We have been furniture shopping like crazy or should I say furniture looking.....furniture shopping has turned into how I feel about car and tv shopping, VERY MUCH DISLIKE IT! You go into the stores and they surround you with people that want to help and make money, so they follow you around like a puppy. So far, we have bought new dishes from Ikea and a painting of our ski resort.....hmmmm we have to get serious! Oh and I did pick this pillow up, I love love it!


xoxo

April tears bring May cheers....hopefully

First month that I thought I was pregnant but didn't tell anyone. Steven hadn't even asked if I was getting close to knowing. I was suppose to start yesterday but didn't and I managed to not even test but I am having a little girls night tonight and would like a glass of wine so I tested and sure enough it was negative. I can't even tell you how long I stare at the test....am I even looking in the right place for a second line? My eyes tricked me this morning, like an awful April fools joke and I could have sworn I saw a second line, but looked for another 20 min and sure enough nothing. I heart actually was in my throat when I thought I saw it and then quickly dropped when I realized once again I was seeing things. Why must it be negative yet I am late? Why, why so cruel? I know I'm not pregnant so why can't my cycle just be normal and start so I can get on with another month? I swear my mind can stop my cycle, that is mostly why I test. It seems once I see the negative my body relaxes and then I start. Please Lord make this come quickly, don't let this drag on. This is exactly why I need a support group. While my friends are great and so supportive(thank you Becki) they can't really understand the pain. Is this misery wanting company or just pain needing an outlet? Lord let my heart be set on only you. Take this pain, use it for something great.

So I just checked my email and RESOLVE emailed back so I will have that to look into. And on a happier note because the blog can be sooooo depressing: I now have a kitchen...and we are very close to moving in! Here is a picture but kind of blurry..




Praying to make it through the day without completely losing it.

Walking in Faith

For about 1 year I have been feeling a nudge by the Lord to reach out to others suffering with infertility. Everytime I thought about doing it, I assummed as soon as I did I would then get pregnant and wouldn't be able to fulfill my support. I know longer am letting that hold me back. I may get pregnant right after starting a support group but my knoweldge and experience will not change. I still have many doubts that linger in which I know are from the devil:
Will anyone take you serious being so young?
Have you suffered long enough to help others?
Will you have the right words to say?
Will anyone show up?

I am choosing to push these aside and mover forward. I am attending our New Leaders Orientation on April 17th and the church and I also emailed RESOLVE which is the national infertility support group and asked for the information to start a group in my area. Praying that the Lord will pave the path for me.

Still beleiving everday for a miracle baby. God is so good and He truly knows my hearts desire and I know that desire will be fulfilled in the right time.

Expectations.

By far the hardest thing for me to do is let go of what my expectations for my life were and instead let God makes my plans. If you would have told me that I would be 27 and married for 8 years without children I would have laughed at you. I do realize I am not 27 and also have not been married 8 years yet but I will be both of those without a baby to hold. CRAZY! How do you let go of plans that you have had for yourself for so long? How do I let go and let God instead? I can't quite explain the pain and devastation I feel right now but no one could understand without feeling it first hand. So I won't even try to explain.

Father, take my plans, take my expectations and take my whole heart. Psalm 28:7 says, The lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst in songs of thanksgiving.

The Lord is my strength when my pain feels to much for me, and my shield from others who should just choose not to say anything at all:) and I do trust Him with my whole heart. I will soon be singing songs of thanksgiving once my heart stops breaking, which it will!

I lay all of this at your feet Father! Take my pain from me. Fill me back up with Hope of your promise!

so grateful.....

For my beautiful sister. As I sit at work crying(yup super professional) and texting my sister she sent me the best thing:

"my heart breaks for you! Don't lose your faith, cling to it. Beg and Plead with the Lord, and remain true to your love for Him. Hope will come...."

How could I ask for anything else? I am so grateful for a sister who loves me, and cares about how I feel. Thank you Mary for always being there. I love you!

Again

Another month....no baby

There have only been a a handful of times I actually thought I was pregnant, this month being one of them. Complete devistation.

Coping?

Most of the time I do fine but there are moments where I fear my desires will never be met. God is in control, I have no doubt about that but the pain is so thick sometimes I can't breathe. I cried 3 times during our date night dinner and Steven was so gracious and just kept telling me, "its okay baby" not "quit crying in public you re embarrassing me" although I wouldn't blame him for saying that. I fear writing down my thoughts because I don't want to be judged for not being strong. When I tell people I fully believe God will heal me then it almost seems implied by them that I shouldn't worry or get upset when it doesn't happen. Well I am human. I fear writing down how I feel because I am afraid I will not get a baby until I fully trust the Lord, well news flash he can read my mind and thoughts and already knew I was going to have them. I must stop trying to earn Grace from God. It is free for those who love him. And I so very much love the Lord. So I give up trying to earn it. God knows my heart. God knows that when I see a pregnant person my heart aches, that when I see another stupid "we are pregnant commercial" I get annoyed, that when I see someone uninterested in taking care of their baby that my body aches to hold that child. God knows and he still loves me and gives me Grace and Mercy. God knows that I can't sleep the night before I am going to take a pregnancy test. God knows every time I cry before it even happens. Sometimes I feel so alone in this battle of infertility and then God gently reminds me he is right there with me wanting to walk with me through the pain. God already knows that I will be begging again in about an hour for a baby and to be pregnant soon! I am so thankful for a God that already knows all of these things. Thank you heavenly Father. Today I will own the Grace God has already given me freely.