Today is better, although today I started my period it seems to be eaiser then the negative test. I am so thankful for accurate pregnancy tests. I have taken over 70 pregnancy tests and have never had a false positive. Thank you Jesus for protecting me. So my eyes are back on the Lord and trusting in His perfect timing. Mark 11:24- "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. What God does not promise is that He will give us what we pray for when WE want it. What I do know is that I will continue to pray and ask for my hearts desire. I believe in healing and I know God will give us our baby! Jesus thank you for being patient with me even when I feel bad for myself. Thank you for never changing, thank you for your Grace and Mercy.

Trying to process how I feel today...You would think after all this time I wouldn't be so upset to get a negative pregnancy test but I swear it only gets harder, the only difference is the time it takes to cast my eyes back on the Lord. i feel as though it is harder now that I believe without a doubt that God can heal me, because I feel that He is just choosing not to heal me as though there is something I am doing wrong.But as my sister reminded me, he may not be saying no but Not Yet.

Lord I am begging for a Miracle, you are the Healer, heal my body. My heart is crying out.

Praying my heart will not hurt as bad when I wake.

Day 14 and 15

Am I really this far into it? I think so! So many answers to prayers already and God has brought so much to light. Everyone should fast, I know I will be again.

So far the biggest issue brought to my attention: Why is God not on the throne He belongs on in my life? Abraham waited a long to time for a baby and then God finally blessed them with a baby. They waited so long that they loved and adored that baby. They put that baby before anything else, an "uncleansed love" as tozer would put it. They put Issac before God in their lives. God being fed up with this finally told Abraham to sacrifice his only son on an alter....What?!?!??!?! I know we have all heard this but i have never thought of it this way. I have only thought of the great faith that Abraham had instead of realizing that God was telling Abraham to bring Issac off the throne that belonged to Him and place God back in His rightful place. Yikes! Talk up a jab in the heart. God I am so thankful you brought this to my attention now. I want a baby but I don't want the baby to outweigh you, to be higher then you in my life. And lets me honest, having baby was more important and God and even Steven in my life. I am so thankful to realize this now instead of after having a baby and maybe God having to give me a wake up call in even a more painful way. I am choosing to surrender having a baby over to the Lord. God wants to give us all that our heart desires but He wants and needs to be where He belongs....on the throne of our lives. All the you commit to Him is safe and everything you do not, is not. I commit this situation to you Lord.

Through this I have been able to control my emotions more. I have been asking God to search my heart and remove all jealousy and sadness out of my life. I want to be genuinely happy for others. I want to rest in knowing God is in control and truly in his time alone we will have a baby.

I am excited for the remainder of the fast....I am seeking God's face for all that He wants to reveal to us. Thank you to everyone for your continued support.

A few more photos from San Fran!


Thought this was cool!


It was very Windy!


Have to love Self Timer!!!

Day 10, 11, 12,13

Wow I am behind, I won't try and go through each day because I would really be trying to make stuff up since I can't remember exactly what happened each day. The most important thing to note is that we had another answer to pray. Yes we are praying for a baby but also for healing to help that process and that is exactly what happened this cycle. As I have written about in the past, I have really unpredictable cycles and very long ones at that but this month I had a 30 days cycle and then most important part is that I only had 14 days from the day I ovulated to the day my next cycle started. Thank you Jesus! Yes it would have been wonderful to be pregnant(a perfect birthday present for Steven tomorrow) but God is so good and my body is on track this month and we are focused on another month of trying. Thank you Jesus for the healing that is taking place in my body!

Another big note is the amount of people joining forces with us. WE have had so many people come along side of us and are fasting the last 10 days with us. Some are doing the full fast and some chose specific things to fast from and in any case the prayer is the most important. I get overwhelmed thinking of all the people praying with us right now. I hope one day I can step up along side someone and fast and contend for them with the Lord.

Thank you Father for all the wonderful people you have brought into our lives and come along side of us during this time. We ask for continued healing in my body and for a baby. We believe what you word says and we rest on that. Thank you for all the blessing you have given us. We love you and are excited for the next season of our lives.

Day 8 and 9

Thank you to everyone who is continueing to pray and believe that God will fully heal my body and we will have a miracle baby.

Day 8: Day went fine, work was good and Bible study went great. God has really been showing me things in my life that I need to evaluate. Sin has surfaced and I have been able to ask for forgivness and receive the Grace from God. One thing in particular is my prayer life. Lets just say before this, it was basically non existent. I thought I was praying or would fall asleep praying or tell me I was praying but all along I wasn't taking the time. Besides the ramifications it had on my own life God revealed what i had been doing to others. It end to be the person to say "I'll pray for you" and then not pray. Really did I do that, yes and it hurts to admit it. When you tell someone you will pray for them....they depend on your prayers and I would basically slap them in their face by not following through. If I could personally ask forgiveness to everyone i have done that too I would but instead I have asked God to forgive me and I am now aware and will be changing. From now on if I tell someone I am praying for them, it will be written down either in my phone or on a piece of paper and they will be prayed for. My heart broke when God revealed this to me. How can God continue to forgive me? How is his love really that large? who knows except that he is God and I am so thankful for his love for me.

Day 9: Woke up tired today, I need to exercise but I feel like my body needs sleep more. Tomorrow I will excersise in the am and you can hold me to it:) Normal day at work, little time for prayer during the day and then raced home to hit the Pumpkin patch again with another family! Finally got home and spent a little time praying with Steven. He is now suppose to be sleeping but instead is talking on the phone with a friend from Texas...I wonder if he knows I can hear him;)! Just got done doing my devotions and now have to finish my homework for Bible Study tomorrow. Tomorrow will be hard, telling people of the things you have put above God is not easy share but it needs to happen for things to change. Lord soften my heart towards the Holy Spirit while I go through my questions. Open my eyes to what you want me to read and help me to receive your forgivness and Grace that you so easily pour over me.

Well we are trucking along and we have had an answer to one of our prayers already....Steven got a fill in position for 6 months for a managment position. Not only is it a fill in but they are keying him in as a manager. Thats right, he will be on salary and a real manaager. It is hard not to think that they have plans for him after the 6 months since they are going to all this trouble to key him in as one! We won't be thinking of that now, instead we are so thankful to this wonderful blessing and are excited to see what other prayers are answered! Thank you Jesus!

Day 7

One week in and God is great! I had a really busy day as I met a friend for Water:) and we chatted for about 3 hours and then back home where my brother came to visit. He was having a hard time understanding why we werent watching TV but thats okay, not everyone needs to get it. I allowed myself to eat even less today so the hunger pains would spark prayer...lets just say I was praying a lot! Not too much to write about since the day was so busy. I am however having issue with the bathroom...this food is really going right through me. I don't normally talk about this kind of stuff but I really feel that the devil will use anything he can to discourage us. I have felt yucky the last couple of days but it only keeps me more aware so you better come up with something else satan! I am not moving...I am beleiving....I am seeking Gods face and nothing will stop me.
Thank you Lord for your healing power and your love for me.

Day 5 and 6

Praise the Lord...I think I'm officially over the caffeine issue! In the midst of it you think it will never end but it does:) So thankful once again that I chose to obey God and fast the coffee.

Day 5: Surprise day off for Steven so we went together to our friend's daughter's volleyball game. Love going and supporting our friends. Then made a last min decision to make a group trip to Costco....love that store and hate it all at the same time...why do I always spend so much money there. Plus this was the first time I felt like I wanted food that I couldn't have. I have way more respect for Steven having to work around all the samples now. We then parted ways to only meet up again later in the evening. We went home and made a wonderful meal of Potatoes, peppers and mushroom scramble! Loved it! I will have to say I do miss my desserts. We then did devotions together prayed together and headed out for the evening...really to hold their new baby! Nothing like the smell of new baby, which only makes me miss my sister and her babies even more!
~overall a great day! God is so great and forgiving in our weak moments. Thank you Lord for keeping me accountable when I feel like stumbling.

Day 6: Today, GREAT day! Woke up got ready and headed off to church. Roger spoke on praying and it was so helpful when that is basically what consumes my days right now. We then headed off to the mall and the pumpkin patch where we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. But tonight was our first real night home together without any plans....can you believe it! We were able to cook together. We have started watching a podcast of Mars Hill and their serious on the book of Luke....its a 3 year serious! CRAZY I know but I know more about the book in 2 podcasts then I ever thought I would. did some devos and prayed together. My prayers have been focused on what we are fasting for but also for Steven to have more confidence in his prayers for me. Father He loves you and speaks your truth but seems at times apprehensive to do so. Remind him of the gift of prayer that you have given him. And while your at it Father please help me in my prayers as i am too VERY apprehensive when praying aloud to you with others. I am so impressed with his continual faith and am so thankful that he is helping me in the further development of mine.

Lord thank you for the many blessing you have given me in my life. Great family friends husband house vehicles food..and the list goes on and on. I am fasting to seek your face and not just your hand. Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for loving me just as I am. Lord help my heart to be softened to the Holy Spirit and what you are trying to teach me. Thank you for the baby you have in our future and help me to be content until the answer is "yes" and not "later". I love you Father and am so grateful for all you do in my life!

Fasting

Yes that says Hope!





Pictures are from our trip to San Fran...just a few so the blog had something fun to look at:)

Daniel Fast~ Fruits vegetables and water.

Steven and I started our fast on Tuesday. We are also fasting TV. That is right, Steven brought it up himself during football season. That is a lot of missed football games and ESPN....he is ready for healing! We are fasting for complete healing of my body and for a baby. I ask that anyone who reads this...which I'm sure isn't a lot, but anyways anyone who reads this to be praying with us. We will be fasting for 21 days. We believe that God heals and he will heal me!

I wish we would have turned to fasting as our first choice. Instead I took the long route and tried to fix myself myself. I have asked God to forgive me for bypassing Him and thinking I was more powerful. We don't consider this our last choice, but a choice we have finally come too. Stay tuned for the journey to come!

Day 1:

Since I'm a couple days behind I will just recap: Not a good morning, not a good day. Coffee headache like none other and very confused as to what to eat. Praying for strength and healing. Trying to to complicate the fast but be childlike with the Lord.

Day 2:

Constant headache all day. Pounding headache, headache that I wasn't sure how I made it through the day. Getting more use to what I need to eat and finding joy in preparing it. Mushrooms will be my fun food! Beginning to construct how I will have time to pray during my work days.

Day 3:

Thank you Jesus! The headache has subsided and I am well into the fast. Something huge happened this day. I was describing to Steven my love for coffee..."I love it! I love the way it smells, tastes, feels, I love being at Starbucks, I love talking about coffee and that is why I'm glad I fasted it" Then I left to go to my amazing Bible study with my Mentor Summer and another lady, where I had my first Ahhha moment as Oprah would like to call it. I love coffee more then I love Jesus! Did i really just say that? Yes I did. How is that possible? Well I have never described God that way. I have never talking so passionately about Him, for goodness sakes....its coffee get a grip Ashley. I was struck by how crazy that was. Thank you God for forgiving me for putting things on the Alter where you and only you belong. This does not mean I will no longer drink coffee....when the fast is over I will drink coffee again but I will never drink it without thinking of my Father in heaven. On a side note...so excited about what God is going to show me through my study of Pursuing God!

Day 4:

Today! Woke up, little headache but I even got on the treadmill! So happy that i did. I have a little less energy but I will push through. I had more prayer time as my Fridays are not as busy as other days. Continuing to pray and believe in full healing and for a baby. I had a lot of alone time today, which meant a lot of time to pray and speak in faith for my healing. I'm am excited to see the work that He is going to do! I am excited to get pregnant and be a mother. Thank you God for restoring my hope and faith in what your word says!

Well the rest of the days will probably be more detailed but I wanted to get caught up so I have some journaling of the process. if you made it to the end....well good job that was pretty lengthy! Thank you all for your continued support and prayer. We are excited to see God glorified with this miracle!

Thank you!

Back to myself a bit....I can not thank the people in my life who support me enough. I have all sorts of people who are there for me. My sister is one of those non emotional straight shooters(so when she is emotional you know its real) who always helps me come back to the truth. I can't even exactly pinpoint how or what she does except to say she speaks truth into my life. She encourages me to make good decisions and to look at it in the best way possible, selflessly:) Becki who even after not seeing for a long time I can call her up, need to see her asap and have coffee with basically only me venting about my life. She allows me to be honest about how I feel without interrupting. She supports the decisions I make and is always there when I need her. Jenna who brings constant laughter and tears into my life. And last but not least Steven who is my rock. Relationships either make it or break it with infertility. Ours has made it and only for the better. Sometimes I don't even believe I am infertile, rather God has chosen this to be our way of growing closer to him and each other. I am choosing to believe in the power of prayer and faith. God is bigger then all of this and He will give us our miracle and in about a year i am sure I will be blogging about my struggles of being a good mom and juggling all that comes with it. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by us and supported us through this difficult time. I love you all and am so thankful!

I am going to enjoy the next few months of old school baby making! Let the prayers continue!

:(

Overwhelemed with saddness right now. Nothin in particular really other than another failed cycle but this month seems to be a hard one. Each month tends to get harder,how is that possible? Im not sure. And why oh why can't it just be a negative,nope I have to have horrible cramps and be over emotional.I am still believing that we will be pregnant by februsary but right now crying seems to be the only thing that helps.

The Path

The Path that God has for Me has nothing to do with the path He has for anyone else...my friend! Soon I will be able to name my friend but until she comes out with her special surprise I will keep it as my special friend. She has so much to offer everyone and especially me!!! She told me the above statement and it has made me look at others so diferently. There is nothing I hate more then feeling jealous of someone. I want to be completly happy for people when great things happen without any reservations. When I back up fromthe situation and remind myself that the gifts and blessing God has put in someones life does not effect what blessing and gifts God is going to bring in my life. While I am still working on my jealousy it is getting better. I do feel as though I am growing! I have begun telling people that I will be Pregnant soon! Not only say it but believe it as well. 9 ”So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened Luke 11:9-10. I will continue to ask and receive my gift of being a parent. For tonight I want to remind all of the blessing God has already given me....at least the ones I have time to write down:

Eternal Life
A fantastic Husband
House
Food
Friends
The relationship with my sister I have been longing for
Supportive friends and family
Health that is improving
Hope
Faith
Love
laughter
Humor
Joy
and many many more things! Thank you Jesus!

Having faith in the midst of doubt

Change of plans, I decided to post this anyways. To my sister who I love so much I truly hope this doesn't take any of your joy from you and know that when I am happy for you I really am. I envy you in a good way and hope one day to be a great mom just like you. I love you.

I have no problem talking about my infertility and actually find it easier that people know but I would never want someone else to not be happy for the sake of me and that is why I am continuing to write here instead of on my blog.

I have hope I really do. I believe I will be pregnant soon but there are moments where I can't take it. How is it that after 4+ years it is still all I think about? I don't want to say why me or when will it be my turn but I do think those thoughts in my head. My sister had her baby at 4:14am this morning and I am so happy for her. She updated her FB status saying how she is falling in love and I want nothing more than to be falling in love with my baby. I know it will happen, I know it will.

My heart is just hurting right now and I feel like there is no one to tell because I am suppose to have faith. But a close friend of mine, right before she told me she was pregnant(not my friend who just found out two days ago...yes there are a lot of pregnant people around me right now) told me that doubt is not the absence of faith and to not feel defeated when I have doubt. I always feel that when I have doubt then that is why I am not getting pregnant because I do not 100% trust and have faith in God that He will perform a miracle but when my friend told me that it changed my whole outlook, and significantly changed my life(not to be too dramatic)! Thank you friend (no name for now;)) for sharing this with me. I will never forget it!!!

I will continue to be hopeful and faithful that our turn is soon and that these moments that hurt so bad will pass quickly and I can enjoy the excitement with my friends and family.

February, February by then I will be pregnant.

Surprise!

No I'm not pregnant but I did pull off a surprise that will go down in history for me, mostly because I don't know if I could pull it off again:). I had wanted to badly to go and be with my sister for her baby party as she was calling it but thought it would be more fun to make it into something even bigger. I called Sam and the plan began to grow(insert the plan laugh). He was truly so helpful in helping with pulling off the event! I still don't know how I pulled it off without her knowing at all. I woke up Monday morning so excited and a little worried for the flight and the possibility that Mary had already found out, but I boarded the plane and off I was. Sam picked me up and we obviously had to stop by In-n-Out to celebrate in pulling off the EVENT! Sam dropped me off two houses before theirs and I waited as he went in. After a couple mins went by I walked up the driveway worried she would see me but I made it! I was so excited to knock on the door and surprise her. she had texted me earlier asking why I wasn't there so she could nap, so as soon as she opened the door I asked if she needed a nap! She looked really shocked...I was slightly concerned with putting her into early labor but no such luck;) It was so good to see her and be the reason for her happiness! For those of you who have sisters that live far away you can probably relate with the excitement we both felt to see each other.

My sister is amazing. Spending the next few days with her was eye opening. She is a dedicated mother, a loving wife and a committed sister. I tear up just thinking of all the work she goes through everyday and continues through it with a cheerful spirit. If you didn't know this, she is BUSY!!!!!!!!! From the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed she is always "on". She gets up, cleans, feeds the kids, home schools Campbell and a little with Mason, does laundry, waters the garden, diapers, potty training, nap time, cleaning, lunch, nap time, diapers, potty training, verse memorizing, play time, dinner, bath time, bedtime. Through all of this she is always disciplining(which is so hard to be consistent with when you are EXHAUSTED!!!!). The other thing I noticed is that no matter what she was doing, if one of them wanted a book read or a moment of their time, there she was on the floor reading or kneeling down to hear what they had to say. The dedication in this woman is unbelievable. She truly loves the Lord and wants to raise her children the way He has instructed us to do. So you may be wondering when she takes a shower or goes to the bathroom, that's a great question...she does all of that very quickly! She is so selfless. So if you are wondering why you don't hear from her or think she is ignoring you, its because her family comes first in her life right now. She is so inspirational. She makes me want children that much more.

Mary~ I love you. I love how much you love your family. Thank you for always being a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for thinking of me even when your busy. Thank you for being my sister and friend. I would give anything to live closer to you. I miss you so much it hurts.

Oh and if you didn't pick up on it...I love my sister!

Can't wait to see her again and meet the new addition to the family!

Hope

I can feel the hope at my fingertips! I still have moments of pure heartache where breathing feels unbearable but then I have my longer moments where I know God remembers me and knows what my heart desires. I wish I could feel that always. I went to the Lake with my sister and brother-in law yesterday and had a blast except once again something was missing. We had 3 wonderful children on board and there was an emptiness lingering in my heart. I wanted our child to be swimming in the lake, going of the rope swing, asking for a snack but as always I am just Aunt Ashley. I do love being an Aunt, I really do. Steven and I will be married 7 years in less than a month and I am praying for a miracle to happen this year.

Blue

Feeling blue....my heart aches everyday but today it just seems that it won't stop. Things have been going pretty well lately but I just feel down. Thinking of waiting another year can be very hard to swallow and today I can't handle the thought of it. The good news is that tomorrow will most likely be a better day for me. I have now been on my support site for so long that some of the women who had been trying have already had their babies and are now back trying again and here I am still on Pause. Lord please push play, I'm begging you. I don't know how many more Father's days I can endure. I feel such guilt not being able to give Steven a baby. A lady congratulated me yesterday on the Good News...of which I was super confused of, turns out the poor thing confused me with my sister:) I was sad but felt worse for the lady because I know she felt just awful. I am praying for a better rest of the day and possible a better day tomorrow.

Back again!

Well here I go again, trying to blog. I have been having a really hard time lately dealing with our infertiltiy but at the same time I am trying to put my focus on other things. We recently moved which until we did I didn't realize how depressed I really was in Eatonville. I had a place to sleep and wonderful company but I was not happy. I didn't want to cook, bake, clean, knit, blog or do really anything. Now my eyes have been reopened to what I really love again.

I recently discovered my love for not only baking but cooking too! I have been trying out all sorts of recipes(pictures and recipes to come) and enjoying learning all kinds of new things. I also realized how much better it is to live in a clean house....most of you know what I slob I am. I tend to clean right after I am done doing anything! I will say Steven is loving all the new changes, especially the clenaing part!

I am trying to find my passion in life. I am looking for where I belong and fit in right now. So lots of new stuff on this blog to come along with some of the old stuff, because no matter how busy I make my life, how many things I enjoy to do, my heart still aches everyday for a baby to hold.

Dreams

I am a big dreamer, I can almost always remember what i have drempt about the night before and last night was no exception. As I am sitting here watching the opening ceremonies from last night I can't help but feel a little empty. My dream last night was so vivid. I would do anything to be able to dream the same dream every night. i had a dream that I was pregnant. I must have been about 7 months pregnant. I could feel the baby move. Kecia was even in the dream coaching me. She of course told me at one time that she thought she "felt" twins....keep in mind that dreams can be very unrealistic. I went in and had an u/s and found out it was only one. UGH it sounds rediculous, but for a night I could feel and experience the joy. Then I woke up and realized reality is here and i still have so long to wait. At moments my heart hurts so bad that I can barley breathe but I have to remeber that we are making the best choice for our future. God please allow a miracle to happen, allow me to become pregnant this year.

Change once again.....

Here I am another year with more changes. Why does life not go the way to expected or planned….I wish I knew. About 2 weeks ago I started allowing myself to think about beginning IVF in April, I even joined the 2010 Mommies to be on my support site. And then a bombshell hit me. We starting punching numbers and realized real quickly that we are not ready financially yet to do IVF. How is that possible…well it cost $32,000. We have yet to tell really anyone about having to wait but I felt like I needed to write down how I am feeling. I am devastated, I am sad, I find myself crying over everything, but I do know this is the right way to do it. In order for me to not have to work full time or Steven to get a 3rd job, we need to finish paying off everything except our house and pay out of pocket for IVF. We are constructing a plan right now, but we are looking around March or April of next year to do IVF. That is another year of others having babies, children birthday parties and many more tears. But I know in my heart that this is the right way to do it. I am sure this year will be full of many fun things, that’s right we can have fun while saving and paying stuff off

I want this year to be different than any other year while we have been trying. I am going to be happy, I am going to enjoy my husband more, I am going to meet more people, I am going to be a better friend, I am going to be more creative, I am going to be more organized, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT again!!!

We will still be praying and getting prayed for. There is always a chance of a Miracle baby!!! It is hard to think I may not be a mom in 2010 but I need to okay with waiting. If we do IVF this year then you will know that either we won the Lottery or we grew a money TREE!!!

Ps for those that talk to my mother....we have not told the family yet so this is for you guys only.

Pps I may not always be this realistic with the fact that I am having to wait even longer so bare with me!

Here is to a fun filled 2010 and hope that this year will be full of Miracles!